#27: Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks

Why? Why? Oh Why does Hollywood like to screw up a good action flick? There's one formula that they keep cranking out and I just wish they'd drop it. The annoying sidekick in action flicks. Not every action flick mind you, but many.

For example, the worst sidekick EVER in an action flick, in my opinion, was Kate Capshaw, the chick in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I understand this was Steven Spielberg's wife. Ugh. What an atrocious actress. And what an absolutely annoying character. I love the Indiana Jones series, but this woman alone makes that movie hard to stomach.

A few other examples:

Jar Jar Binks. That character dumbed down the Star Wars franchise to an almost intolerable level. Meesa tinks da mooovee woulda been so much better without him. And I have to ask why? The Star Wars series has a timeless storyline...great action. And there's plenty of campy comedy relief in R2D2 and C3PO, among others. This was just an example of the movie-makers going too far for a laugh. Yech!

And what about that blonde chick in Under Seige? (Her name is Erika Eleniak. I would've posted a pic of her here, but it's hard to find one with her clothes on.) Granted, Steven Seagal is one of the worst actors ever...but this movie would've actually been pretty decent if it just focused on his character and left hers out. There were some cool explosions...decent fight scenes...and the storyline was actually interesting. Of course, they had to throw in a gratuitous boob shot to justify Eleniak's presence in the film. But it still wasn't enough to make her character likeable.

Let's be honest: There's a reason Hollywood produces formulaic movies. They sell. But not every sidekick is going to contribute to a movie. At some point, a director or producer needs to be able to say, "Let's focus on the action and get rid of the distraction." Imagine Rambo having to stop every once in awhile in the jungle because some chick sidekick broke a nail. Some action flicks don't need the help of a sidekick.

Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks: You Suck.

#26: Door to Door Solicitors

Let's face it. At first it was cute. A little kid shows up at my door, trying to raise money for a class trip...and all I have to do is buy a couple of candy bars at a ridiculously over-inflated price. No problem. I love kids. I love chocolate. Everybody wins, right?

Wrong! Because now, it's just gotten out of hand. Almost every evening now, there's someone at my door, trying to sell me something. College students selling magazine subscriptions. Yard service crews asking if I want my lawn aerated. Neighborhood kids asking if I want them to mow my lawn. Students selling coupon books. Someone wanting to tell me about their religion.

Enough already! I'm about to put a "No Solicitors" sign on my door like my neighbor, Art. At first, I thought he was being a bit like an old curmudgeon, but now I'm starting to understand!

It seems like I just can't enjoy a nice evening at home, vegging in front of the television, or whatever without hearing the doorbell. I'll look through the peephole (which I bought from a door-to-door peephole salesman) and there she is, some college student with a hard luck story and something to sell.

And I wonder how many of these things are really scams. Are these students really trying to raise money for a mission trip to Mexico? Or are they just hoping to get my credit card information?

Let's be honest: Door to door sales can't be easy. You never know what's going to be on the other side of that door. Some people are rude. Others are just plain creepy. So why put yourself in that position? And how about you give us a break, so we can enjoy a quiet evening at home?

Door to Door Solicitors: You Suck.

#25: Murder/Suicide

Please forgive. I'm going to go off on a rant today. Something has really been eating at me and I just have to put it down in words.

Is there anything more cowardly than killing someone before turning the gun on yourself?

This week, a man in our area killed his two sons...a 5-year old and a 2-year old. Then killed himself. I wish he had survived his suicide attempt, just so I could beat the *&^% out of him. What a coward. Who kills an innocent, defenseless child? Those poor boys. I am angry as hell about this. I've heard stories that people who commit crimes against children get treated pretty badly in prison. I hope hell is the same way. I hope there's a special place in hell where the torment is turned up a notch for someone who takes the life of a child.

I wonder where this phenomenon came from? Where did such selfishness originate...that a person could not see beyond their own circumstances and decide that death is better than life...for everyone involved?

Let's be honest: I know life can get hard. I know that you can get so desperate that you can't see a way out. But if you're at the end of your rope and the only way you can see out is death.... then so be it. But you have no right to make that decision for another person. Who knows what those boys would have grown up to be? Who knows what potential they had? You robbed them of all of that because of your own selfishness. And then, you cowardly took your own life to avoid the ramifications of your sin.

Murder/Suicides: You Suck.

#24: Spammers

Let me see if I've got this right. There's some loser out there, right now, whose job is to fill up my email inbox with crap I don't want?

I don't get it. I simply don't get why people send this junk email. Are people really ordering viagra and cialis through spam email? Are they really buying pills to enlarge certain organs through someone in the junk mail folder? From porn to dating sites to "medical wonders", I just don't see how any company gets business out of spamming people's email.

Maybe it's just for name awareness. Maybe they figure that if I see the words Viagra or Cialis enough times, I may actually go buy their product. Maybe if I see the message "Be the biggest guy in the locker room" enough, I'll start to doubt my own prowess and order some of their magical enhancement creme...or pill...or whatever it is.

And does anyone ever fall for the "you've won the Australian lottery" scam? Or the "I own a bank in Nigeria, I need a place to put $42,000,000. Can I have your bank account information?" C'mon!

Let's be honest: There are plenty of companies out there who do their business online. And I can appreciate that. But what's the deal with the spam? Seriously? More importantly, I want to know what kind of loser sits at a desk all day sending these emails out. How does he sleep at night? I think there ought to be a law that doesn't allow you to send email from an illegitimate email address. That way, we'd have real email addresses and millions of Americans can send emails back to them...all day long. It's only fair, right?

Spammers: You Suck.

Oh...and...companies that I do business with who give my email address to spammers: You Suck Too!

#23: Screwing Up At Work

Ugh. Rough week. I was sick all weekend and now, I come in to work to find out that I made a mistake that will cost my company something like $8,000.

I'm not sure what I was thinking (or, maybe I wasn't thinking at all.)

Let's be honest: Everyone makes mistakes. Some hurt more than others. And just because it's not my money, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I love the company I work for and they have entrusted me with a million dollar budget. I take that very seriously.

If I made a bad decision that cost my family thousands of dollars, we'd be in trouble. But Thankfully, my company is strong enough that it won't go under because of the decision, but that doesn't take any of the shame away. My boss has been pretty cool about it. I'll try to remember that when my son is old enough to drive and wrecks the car.

Screwing Up At Work: You Suck

#22: "Move To The Center" Announcements

So my wife and I decide we really wanna see the new Indiana Jones movie. After all, we've watched the first three a few times now. We're big fans!

We hire a babysitter for Friday night. Buy the tickets early online...and arrive at the theatre an hour early, knowing there's going to be a line. And there was, but our early arrival paid off. We got the exact seats we wanted: On the front row of the middle section, there are three seats that have extra leg room...and a footrest. They're just a few seats left of center. Perfect!

So we're sitting there, watching the silly trivia screens go by over and over again, listening to crappy music of independent artists we've never heard of being piped through the speakers. And the theatre is starting to fill up. Within 30 minutes, the place is pretty packed. And, just 5 minutes left til start time, a crowd of people come in. They're looking around, pointing, making disgusted looks on their faces like "I can't believe our favorite seats are taken!" Then, inevitably, one of them points to the very front row:

"There are seats over there."

"No, I don't wanna sit that close" the other says. So they stare back at the crowd for a few more seconds, scouring for two empty seats next to each other.

Hello! It's a summer blockbuster. Who shows up at 5 minutes til and thinks they're going to get the perfect seats? Then the pimply faced kid who sells popcorn behind the counter comes to the front of the auditorium.

"Excuse me everyone. This is a sold out show. So I'm going to ask you to move to the center of your aisle, to make room for those just coming in."

"What? Hell no! I got here an hourly early so I could choose which seat I want! I'm not moving because Johnny come lately just showed up and wants his aisle seat! Screw that! I'm paying $30 for a babysitter, $18 for two tickets, $12 for popcorn and drinks. For $60, guess what...I get to choose the seat I want!"

Let's be honest: I know there are all kinds of reasons people show up late. Traffic...kids...wife fussing over what to wear...husband forgot the tickets and had to go back in to look for them. But the truth is that if you can't get there early, then you gotta live with the seats that are available.

"Move to the Center" announcements: You Suck.

#21: Summer Road Construction

Summer is practically here. I love the warm, sunny days. I can take the top down on the Jeep and leave it down for days, maybe even weeks. So nice!

But...(as with all good things, there's always a but) the thing I hate most about summer is the road construction. Just when it's the time of year for you to get out and enjoy a nice drive, there's construction everywhere to keep you from being able to open 'er up and enjoy a nice cruise. Ugh.

The thing that sucks most about road construction is how long the projects take. They last months...sometimes even years. Maybe that's because everytime I drive past a construction zone there are just as many people standing around as there are working.

I took this picture of a road crew in Guatemala when I was there a few weeks ago. Notice how all of the men are working? It's not like three guys doing all the work while three or four others "supervise." I think our construction crews in the US could learn a thing or two from these guys. The sad part is that these guys in Guatemala make around $70 a month. That's hard work for such little pay.

Another thing that sucks about road construction is the planning. Roads are at capacity, so the brilliant decision-makers decide to spend millions of dollars to add one lane. Yeah...ONE lane. Guess what happens next year? The same road is at capacity again... and they need to add another lane. More construction. More traffic delays. Why not just add two or three lanes the first time? Why do we have to go through this process every other year?

And tell me, for crying out loud, why we haven't come up with a better material for roads yet? Why is it we're still making roads out of something that has to be replaced and repaired every year? Seriously? It's 2008. Shouldn't we be past that yet?

Let's be honest: I know road construction is necessary. I know a lot of people rely on those jobs. But can't we make better decisions? Can't we come up with a better solution?

Summer Road Construction: You Suck.