#34: Summer Colds

Three days. That's how long my wife and son battled their summer cold before my body finally succumbed. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that surely, after two days, if I didn't have it yet, I was going to avoid it.

Au contraire, mon ami.

I hate summer colds. They are the worst. They linger. The congestion. The pressure. The nose that won't stop running. The itchy, sore throat, the coughing, sneezing, aching.

What I hate most is not being able to sleep at night. And when I do finally fall asleep, I can only breathe through my mouth, so there's the snoring to contend with. And then you wake up with this awful taste in your mouth---did something crawl down my throat and die while I was sleeping? Yech!

And then there's the difficult decision: "Do I go to work or no?" If I call in sick, I better have a better excuse than a cold. It just sounds pathetic...wimpy.

"Oh, my lung collapsed"--now that's a legitimate excuse to call in sick! But a cold? C'mon! But then, if you DO go into work...just cough out loud once...and someone's bound to say it:

"What are you doing here? You're going to get us all sick!"

"Sorry. I was holding out to see if my lung would collapse."

Ugh.

Let's be honest: Everyone gets sick from time to time. And while I'm no germ freak, I certainly would prefer someone with a cold stay home. I'm not impressed by those people who say "I worked 20 years and never called in sick once." Yeah, well...how many people did you infect everytime you came to work with a cold? Do us all a favor and stay home...at least until you're past the contagious stage.

Summer Colds: You Suck.

#33: People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones (When They're Supposed To)

I was at a conference a couple of weeks ago...and EVERY STINKING SESSION was interrupted by someone's obnoxious ringtone. What the...?

Here's one that really bothers me: I don't think I have been to a single church service in the past year that didn't include at least one cell phone ring. For crying out loud, Jesus wants you to turn your phone off!!!!

And probably 3 out of the last 5 movies I've been to have included someone receiving a call during the film. One time, a person flat out answered the phone and started having a conversation with the caller--during the movie! That's beyond rude.

Come on, people! Put your phone on vibrate for crying out loud. Or better yet, turn the darn thing off. You can live for two hours without a phone call. This may come as a shock to many of you, but before cell phones were invented, we all survived for hours at a time without talking or texting on the phone (insert old fart comment here.)

Phones in the movie theatre really piss me off. Ya know, it costs so much to go to a movie these days. Between inflated ticket prices and the ridiculous cost of popcorn, candy and drinks, it's expensive! Add to that the cost of a babysitter (if you need one) and you could easily drop $50 just to go see a movie. Ya know, I don't want to spend $50 to listen to you talk on the phone. I don't want to spend $50 to have the glow of your cell phone interrupting my movie-watching.

Let's be honest: Technology is great. We can communicate with pretty much anyone at anytime. But just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Have a little respect for others. Put your phone on vibrate. Then, if it rings during a church service, movie or conference session, you can walk out quietly and take your call. This isn't rocket science folks...this is common courtesy.

People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones When You're Supposed To: You Suck!

#32: Ticket Scalpers

So you want to go to a concert...or a sporting event. And you, like hundreds--maybe thousands of other people, do exactly what you're supposed to do...you wait til the second tickets go on sale and either call TicketMaster or go to their website...only to find out that all the good seats are already taken.

What the &^%$#@!

To make matters worse, once you finally get your nose-bleed section tickets, you show up for the event, only to find out that some guy is in the parking lot, selling the EXACT SAME TICKETS you wanted...at three times the price.

How did he get those tickets!?

Let's be honest: Everybody's out to make a buck. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But there has to be a way to keep scalpers from getting all the good tickets. TicketMaster has to be better about policing their own system. (Or else, another company needs to come in and take away TicketMaster's stranglehold on the industry.) When the same company or person is buying up dozens of tickets to every frickin' event in town, that should be a red flag. Hard working Joe Schmoe should have the right to see his favorite rock band, in a decent seat, without having to pay four day's wages to do so.

Maybe we need to go back to the old system...first-come, first-served. And no, you can't buy three dozen tickets either. Get in line, buy your tickets...and get back in line if you wanna buy more.

Ticket Scalpers: You Suck

#31: Loud TV Commercials

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH TV COMMERCIALS BEING SO LOUD?

I'm sick and tired of having to ride the volume button between my favorite shows and the commercial breaks. Some networks/stations are worse than others. UPN is absolutely terrible about it. As is Comedy Central. Thank God for DVR's...now I can skip past the annoying attempts at TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING BY SHOUTING AT ME FOR 30 SECONDS STRAIGHT!

Monday night is one of my favorite television-watching nights. CBS has a string of great comedies: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and New Adventures of Old Christine. Good stuff...and perfect placement by the network. I'm usually in dire need of a few good laughs after a Monday at work!

BUT THEN COME THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

HOLY COW!

Let's be honest: I know advertisers try to bump their audio up to get your attention. But this is frickin' 2008. Why don't we have a device that regulates audio coming into our television sets. (Do they still call them "sets"...geez, I'm a geezer.) And if you figure out how to make all the audio the same level--across the board--could someone please teach the people at iPod that too? It's impossible to get all of your songs to play at the same level on that device too. But I'm getting off-track here.

LOUD TV COMMERCIALS: YOU SUCK!

#30: BlueTooth Headsets

So I'm in the airport at a restaurant a few days ago and, as I've been known to do, I do some "people watching." The airports are great for people watching. Funny, a lot of people say that, but I wonder if they ever want to be the one who's being watched. Anyway, my focus turns to this family sitting at a table near me. It's a mom, a dad and two kids--both girls. One of the girls tells her mom that she needs to "go potty." The wife turns to her husband and asks:

"Do you know where the restroom is?"

"I don't think it's necessary." He responds.

She, thinking he misunderstood the question, asks again.

"No honey, the bathroom. Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"No, no, no." He insisted. "We've been through all that. I still don't think it's necessary." Then he, realizing she was talking to him, says in a rather annoyed tone:

"Hold on a sec. What? I'm talking to someone here."

Then I notice, protruding out of his ear like some sort of robocop headgear attachment is one of those dreaded bluetooth contraptions. Ugh.

Let's be honest: New technology is great. In my lifetime I have seen a massive proliferation of new technology: the internet, the laptop computer, the cell phone, DVDs, plasma TVs...etc. But none of them has annoyed me more than those ridiculous little wireless earpieces. And I gotta tell you, I think they just plain look ridiculous.

I'm not saying they're absolutely worthless. I can understand using it while you're driving...or while trying to take notes during a conference call. But at the dinner table with your family? C'mon!

I bet you too, that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has worn one, has pretended to be talking to someone when they really aren't. Whether it's because they're trying to avoid someone, or trying to "look important", I gaurantee they've pretended to be on the other line with someone at some point.

Blue Tooth Headsets: You are pretentious...rude...and downright unattractive. And, oh yeah...You Suck.

#29: Large and Extra Large Spandex

Ewwwww. I mean...c'mon!

Why would ya do that to yourself?

Spandex was designed to show off your body. It hides nothing. It clings to you like an outer layer of skin. And if your real skin is textured like cottage cheese, guess what...that's what the Spandex is gonna show--cottage cheese!

I blame the manufacturers. They should not even be allowed to make Spandex outfits in any size other than small or medium. Write your congressman. Call your senator.

There must be a law to put an end to large spandex...now!

Let's be honest: There's a reason you won't catch me sporting the latest Spandex unitard or leggings. Children would run and hide. Women would cry. It would not be good for anyone, trust me. Spandex should be worn by 1% of the population. That's it. If you don't have a beautifully toned body to begin with, do us all a favor--heck, do yourself a favor--stick to the sweats.

Large and Extra Large Spandex: You Suck!

#28: Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic

So I' on my way to work this morning and traffic is worse than usual.

Why?

I'm glad you asked! Because in this 50 mph zone, a cop was at the head of traffic doing 45. So EVERYONE lined up behind him, in both lanes, afraid to pass.
What the *&^%$#@!?

And you just know the cops love it too. I can just hear 'em talking to each other on their radios:

"Hey Joe, check it out....I got like 40 cars behind me!"

Whatever. Cops who hold up traffic by driving under the speed limit suck. But the people who hold up traffic because they're afraid to pass a cop--they suck even more! Get over into the slow lane. I'll pass a cop. I have no problem with it. I've done it dozens of times. If a cop is doing 45mph in a 50mph zone, I'll pass 'em doing 52...no problem. If you don't have the balls to try the same, move over and make room for daddy!

Let's be honest: It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for cops. If they speed, people will complain. If they drive slower than the speed limit, people (like me) will complain. So do us all a favor coppers...drive the speed limit or get out of traffic altogether. Go hide behind your bushes with your radar guns so you can bust those hardened criminals--the speeders--and make money for your local government. And those of you who don't have the cajones to pass a cop. Get out of the way.

Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic (And those afraid to pass them): You Suck.