#47: The iPhone

Yep, you read it right. The iPhone sucks.

But please allow me to qualify my statement. The iPhone is a brilliant piece of technology--allowing users the ability to surf the web, find restaurants, play games, watch movies, listen to music--all sorts of things. It is, in my opinion, the most incredible technological device to be invented in the past decade.

But...(and yes, there's always a but)

Unfortunately, the iPhone tries to be a cell phone too. And THAT'S where it sucks. The sound quality is seriously poor. Cell phones 8 years ago had better sound quality in the earpiece. But here's where the iPhone really bites: the coverage that comes with AT&T is horrendous. My drive to work is 14 miles. That's it, 14 miles. There are THREE DROP ZONES between my house and my office. THREE!

3G. Ha! More like 2C. As in 2 Cans with string would work better.

Verizon, in their brilliance, realized this and created a very smart ad campaign, comparing their coverage map with AT&T's. They are night and day:

Their best commercial is this one, "The Island of Misfit Toys."

AT&T, in their pathetic attempt to counter, hired actor Luke Wilson (who?) and strung together a few flimsy arguments as to why AT&T is better. Listen to these lame arguments that AT&T gives:

• We have the most popular phones. (No, you have the most popular handheld computer. And seriously? That's your argument? "Ours is more popular!" Puhleez.)
• We have the world's fastest 3G network. (Yes, it's quick. And it's also quick to drop calls.)
• You can surf the web and talk on the phone at the same time. (What good is that if the call keeps dropping?)

Winner: Verizon.

Let's be honest: If the iPhone had only aspired to be the greatest handheld computer, it wins hands-down. But unfortunately, iPhone tried to be a cell phone too. And there are just too many better cell phones out there. And there's definitely better service providers than AT&T. AT&T sucks, and because of that:

iPhone: You Suck

#46: AutoTune

At first it was cute. Then, overnight, everyone was doing it. That ridiculous auto tune effect on hip hop and pop vocals that makes the singer sound like a cross between Alvin the Chipmunk and Mr. Roboto.

This is yet another example why the music industry is killing itself. It's bad enough that every song from our latest pop tart offerings sounds (and looks) the same, but now their vocals all sound the same too. You've gone too far, music industry. You took what could have been a unique sound and buried us in it. Now, it's impossible to turn on the radio without hearing this crap.

And I don't understand why any artist would do it anyway. It completely takes away an artists' identity. Is that Jamie Foxx? Or Kanye? Or Lil' Wayne? Is that Cher or Hannah Montanah? Who the hell knows anymore? It's ridiculous. I love how Jimmy Fallon made fun of auto-tune on the Emmy's:


Let's be honest: There used to be a day when singers...oh, I don't know...sang! With the saturation of auto-tune I can't tell if he/she can sing or not. And what's worse, consumers are buying this crap. There also used to be a day when music consumers actually cared about the talent of the artist. But nowadays, it seems music buyers download whatever the radio has to offer, without question. And what they're offering...is crap. I can only hope that this fad will die a quick and painful death so we can start hearing singers sing once again.

Auto-tune: You Suck!

#45: No WiFi

Someone help me, please. This is 2009 right? As in the 21st Century, correct? So why...tell me why...is it that there are so many frickin' businesses that don't offer wifi?
Hell, every restaurant, airport, coffee house and retail outlet should have wifi these days. No, screw that. Entire cities should offer free wifi for travelers roaming through town. If I'm visiting Denver and I don't know the area, it sure would be nice to be able to look up online, while I'm in the car, to see where the nearest movie theatre or chain restaurant is.

I don't have a cell phone that gets internet service everywhere I go. I'd like to, but I just don't. I do have an iPod Touch though. And I love it. Except I have to find a wireless service/signal everytime I go somewhere. I'm amazed at the lack of places that offer it.

And you know what else. The frickin' internet should be free, for crying out loud. Why the hell is it that the Colorado Springs, Colorado airport offers free internet service, but 45 miles to the north, the only way to get it at Denver International Airport is to pay $8 for a day pass or subscribe to a monthly service through Boingo or something like that? That's ridiculous. The internet should be free. And quite honestly, I'm surprised more retailers and business owners don't push for the internet to be free. It's in their best interest. Online shopping is growing by leaps and bounds. I wonder how much more it would grow if we could get access anywhere at anytime.

Let's be honest: I don't blame people for making a buck by providing online service. But their time has come...and gone. It's time for the internet to be free. And it's time for your local coffee shop, airport, bookstore, restaurant, etc. to offer it in their establishments.

No WiFi: You Suck.

#44: Plastic Surgery

When will this fad end? Is there anything more hideous than these women (and some men too) who just don't know when to quit with the plastic surgery? Seriously?

Joan Rivers does not even look human anymore. Enough already! If she has one more facelift, she's going to have a goatee! (Think about it.)

Remember the Tim Burton Batman movie with Jack Nicholson as the joker? Tell me that Joan doesn't look like the one freakish blonde that the Joker created in that movie. Joan, it's bad enough that you're annoying as hell--but you can't afford to be hideous too.

And what's worse, her daughter, Melissa Rivers--who was so cute--seriously, she was an absolute cutie when she was young--has now followed in her mother's footsteps and destroyed her face.

What is Hollywood's obsession with this crap? It's bad enough that we have to watch these aging stars do ungodly things to their bodies and faces, but now there are even television shows that are all about plastic surgery. Dr. 90210 and Nip and Tuck are hugely successful shows. Personally, I think it's because the rest of us (you know, the ones with wrinkles and...more than one facial expression) love to watch beautiful people or famous people suffer. Ha!

I just don't understand the desire to have that crap put into your lips...the eyes stretched beyond belief and chins and noses done. And apparently it's addictive because these people don't know when to stop!

Let's be honest: We all age. Some of us not as gracefully as others. I hate the way my face is moving south for the winter of my life. I hate the "spare tire" that I've gained from eating unhealthily all these years. But it's part of life! You get older! And going under the knife is not fooling anyone. You don't look younger, you just look...freakish. Inhuman. And for crying out loud, know when to say "when."

Plastic Surgery: You Suck.

#42: Lip-Syncing

Okay, I'm old enough to remember what a scandal it was when Milli Vanilli tried to pull off the lip-sync scam. They became a laughing stock. It ruined their (pseudo) careers.

Girl, you know it's true.

So tell me why has it now become acceptable--if not "fashionable" to lip synch? So many pop artists are blatantly syncing to their songs when "performing live." And hardly a shoulder is shrugged.

Jennifer Hudson's powerful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the SuperBowl...lip-sync. Rather than calling it a controversy, some "journalists" dared call it a "non-troversy." "People expect it these days", they say. WHAT???

EVEN SPRINGSTEEN'S BAND faked it at the SuperBowl. (Although he apparently really sang--but the band wasn't really playing.)

Go see Britney Spears' live...it's anything BUT live. In fact, reports say that her entire performance for her new Circus Tour is lip-synced. (But then again, when you start off with no talent, lip-syncing is a logical progression.)

Good grief...even 50 Cent got caught lip syncing.

What the...?

Does expecting someone to sing live in a concert make me a old fuddy duddy?

Let's be honest: I know fans expect amazing shows from artists these days. And they should--considering what ticket prices run. And I know that it's tough to run all over stage and dance and sing at the same time. I do. But I'd rather you didn't have 8 costume changes and grind your hips on every dancer on stage, if you could just sing the song!

But that's the problem. So many arists CAN'T sing the songs. In the studio, they autotune their vocal tracks til they hardly sound human anymore. And when it comes time to perform live, there's no way they can recreate it.

It's time we got back to artists performing live...really live. I don't care if you miss a note or two, I really don't. Just sing. And if you can't sing, then stop touting yourself as a vocalist. Go be a dancer or something. Seriously.

Lip Syning: You Suck!

#41: The Dallas Cowboys

First, let me say that I have been a Cowboys fan since 1975. I was just a kid then, but I knew I liked the Cowboys. (Of course, growing up in Texas didn't hurt.)

But being a Cowboys fan is like being a glutton for disappointment. How many years have we said, "Next year..." How many years have we watched our team NOT SHOW UP for the big games? How many years do we have to watch a lukewarm quarterback? I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of Tony Romo. He's awful. He's a collapser. As in he crumbles when the going gets tough. That's not a quarterback, that's a cheerleader. Put a skirt on Tony. You don't deserve to be under center. You're the new Danny White. Start flashy--fizzle out. All hype--no game. Tony Romo: You Suck

I'm sick of our powder puff head coach Wade Phillips. He took the most talented group of athletes ever assembled on a roster and turned them into mediocre players. It's the coach's job to get the players ready for each opponent. You failed...miserably. Wade Phillips: You Suck

I'm sick of an offensive line that can't block. Seriously? You guys are huge? And people are still running over you like 8th graders. Offensive Line: You Suck

I'm ESPECIALLY SICK of Jason Garrett--the most predictable and uncreative play caller in all of football. How in the hell did you land this job? Hey dumbass, on 3rd ad 6 why are you calling -2 yard pass plays? Get the ball to the first down marker, for crying out loud! Good grief, I hope the Lions do take you as head coach. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Buh-bye. Jason Garrett: You Suck

The defensive secondary just can't seem to stop the deep pass. Every team we played knew this. And the smart ones lit us up on deep passes all season long. Newsflash secondary: YOU CAN'T PLAY ZONE. YOU'RE NO GOOD AT IT. QUIT TRYING. Defensive secondary: You Suck.

Notice I didn't single out TO. While some of his antics this year were a bit bothersome, overall I think he's good for the team. In fact, he's one of the few true competitors on this team of candy asses. So no TO--you don't suck. Neither does Jason Witten. What a tough guy. And Tashard Choice--I look forward to what you do next year along with our barbarian running back, Marion.

Thanks Dallas Cowboys. You made me hate the game again. You once again convinced me to believe--then you, yourselves didn't even believe in yourselves enough to show up.

Dallas Cowboys: You Suck.

Top 10 Things That Sucked in 2008

Oh, what a sucky year! 2008 was filled with crap, disappointment and frustration. From music to fashion, television, movies, sports and the economy, it just wasn't a good year.

Let's take a look, shall we, at the top ten reasons 2008 sucked:

10. Miley Cyrus. I mean, seriously? What's worse than the Achy Breaky Cheeseball Billy Ray Cyrus singing on stage? Answer: His daughter. Not cute. Not even a decent vocalist. Predictable, if not boring songs.

And the television show? You've gotta be kidding me! I stumbled upon one episode a few weeks ago. What a train wreck. If I wanted to assemble a cast for the worst television sitcom ever, I'd probably pick Dolly Parton, Vicki Lawrence, Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter, Miley. Oh wait...been done. Yech!

9. The Peasant Blouse. Quick, tell me...is this woman pregnant? Cuz I can't tell! I mean, seriously! The "peasant blouse" was hugely popular in 2008. Women love 'em. But as a guy, I gotta tell ya, they are NOT flattering.

They seriously look like maternity wear. Now, don't get me wrong, I think most pregnant women look cute, but if you're not pregnant, why would you want to look like you are?

In my opinion, this is one fashion trend that sucked in 2008. Leggings and the "empire waist" tops are right behind 'em.

8. TV Writer's Strike. When the economy is bad, we need entertainment to take our minds off our woes. But oh no! Hollywood writers decided to add insult to injury by going on strike. Sure, this was a carry-over from 2007, but it had a huge impact on television programming in 2008. So, at a time when the country needs an escape, instead we get crappy reality shows and re-runs. Programs like 24, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, Lost, etc...suffer.

7. Sucky Movies: I could make a whole separate list just for the bad movies that came out this year, but I'll stick to the ones I saw. Unfortunately, I saw quite a few bad movies in 2008:

You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Decent idea. Terrible execution. . The accents--wretched. John Turturro should be ashamed of himself. (Not that he's a fabulous actor, but even this was beneath him.) Thankfully, I waited til this movie came out on DVD to see it. I would've demanded my money back had I paid theatre ticket prices.

There were 3 funny scenes in the whole entire movie. Yeah, you know them...the same 3 scenes they showed in the trailer. That's it.

The rest was crap.

Hellboy II. When you're married with kids, you don't get to go to the movies as much as you used to. So, you have to make the most out of "date night." Unfortunately, my wife and I wasted a date night on Hellboy II.

15 minutes into it, I leaned over to my wife in the theatre and whispered, "If the acting is going to be this bad throughout the whole movie, we're leaving." But, being the miser that I am with my money, I stayed. "I paid $25 for tickets, popcorn and soft drinks, darnit! I'm gonna get my money's worth!" Sadly, I did not get my money's worth.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What a disappointment. Alien ending? Puhleez! And the cast--ugh! Karen Allen? If I NEVER see her in another movie again it will still be too soon. Shia LaBeouf? Yech!

Cheesy story.

Cheesy acting.

Lame special effects.

Harrison Ford was just a bit too slow. And the script didn't help. This movie was an all-around disaster. And, in my opinion, "dumbed down" the entire Indiana Jones series.

6. Sucky Sports. There are a few really sucky ones that come to mind. First, the NY Giants beating the NE Patriots in the SuperBowl. Ugh. I don't believe there is a human being on this planet who hates the Giants more than I do.

And Eli Manning...are you kidding me? I'm still convinced we're going to find out he's actually a 14-year old girl. He just doesn't look like he hit puberty yet. Look at that picture to the left. Does that not look like how your sister would throw a football? I am absolutely convinced the Patriots threw the game to thwart off any more investigations into their cheating via videotape. The Giants suck.

The other sucky sports moments came in the Olympics. One, was the obvious cheating by the Chinese by employing underage girls to compete. Yes, it's impressive that a 14-year old can compete on that scale. Kudos to her for that. But they cheated. They know it. You know it. We all know it.

The other sucky sports moment of the Olympics...when women's hurdler Lolo Jones tripped and fell during her race. She was winning. She was an Olympic darling, with a wonderful story. A win in the Olympics would be like a great made-for-tv movie. Instead, she fell. Absolute heartbreak. The pain in her face. The anguish. That sucked.

5. The Election: Elections always suck. The mudslinging, the name-calling. The lies. And oh, for crying out loud, the commercials! Yech! And this year, candidates raised more money than ever and bought more advertising than ever. Enough already! I'm so glad that I don't have to watch one more campaign ad for a while. Thankfully, Tina Fey and Saturday Night Live made Sarah Palin (and all of the election, for that matter) at least worth a good chuckle. I'm glad we don't go through a major election every year.

4. Global Food Crisis. As the economy tanked, we all felt the burden. But whereas we have to cut back, others starve. The global food crisis was/is VERY real...and put millions of people into threat of starvation. Food prices and other basic staples were out of reach for the 1.2 billion people living on less than $1 a day. Thankfully, it opened the eyes of many generous people, who decided to donate, even as their own families were having to cut back. But this is a problem we've got to fix. We've got to find a way to level the playing field so people aren't starving in this world. It's the 21st century, for crying out loud. People shouldn't starve.

3. Gas Prices. Gas prices are gonna go over $3/gallon. No wait...$4....no wait...$5! Holy cow! At one point, it cost me $62 to fill up my Jeep Wrangler. And since it only gets 14 miles per gallon, I spent a LOT of money on gas this summer.

Here's what really ticks me off: All of the sudden, gas drops to $1.50 again. What the heck just happened? Ask the experts--they don't even know! I actually heard one analyst on CNN say, "No one knows. We have no idea why gas is cheaper again." I do. It's called greed my friends...greed. Somebody got really rich this summer and it wasn't me.

2. The Housing Market. With a second baby on the way, my wife and I decided we needed to find a larger home. Our little house is startng to feel pretty cramped. Then the bubble burst. We couldn't have timed it worse.

If I had sold the house two years ago, I would've gotten $28,000 more than I can today. $28,000! That's a LOT of money...and THAT SUCKS! Needless to say, we've decided to ride out the storm a little longer...we'll just be bumping into each other a lot more.

1. The Stock Market. C'mon, this is a no-brainer! Almost everyone felt the hurt this year. Obviously, this was directly tied to other items mentioned on this list too (the housing market, the election, gas prices, etc.) If you retired in 2007 and relied on your stock to get along, you may have ended up going back to work in 2008. That is, if you could find a job. What a tough year. Thankfully, wise investors know that you have to ride out the tough times. But if you really needed your stock to do well in 2008, chances are you're hurtin' big time!

So there you have it. 2008 was not really a very good year.

2008: You Suck!