#47: The iPhone

Yep, you read it right. The iPhone sucks.

But please allow me to qualify my statement. The iPhone is a brilliant piece of technology--allowing users the ability to surf the web, find restaurants, play games, watch movies, listen to music--all sorts of things. It is, in my opinion, the most incredible technological device to be invented in the past decade.

But...(and yes, there's always a but)

Unfortunately, the iPhone tries to be a cell phone too. And THAT'S where it sucks. The sound quality is seriously poor. Cell phones 8 years ago had better sound quality in the earpiece. But here's where the iPhone really bites: the coverage that comes with AT&T is horrendous. My drive to work is 14 miles. That's it, 14 miles. There are THREE DROP ZONES between my house and my office. THREE!

3G. Ha! More like 2C. As in 2 Cans with string would work better.

Verizon, in their brilliance, realized this and created a very smart ad campaign, comparing their coverage map with AT&T's. They are night and day:

Their best commercial is this one, "The Island of Misfit Toys."

AT&T, in their pathetic attempt to counter, hired actor Luke Wilson (who?) and strung together a few flimsy arguments as to why AT&T is better. Listen to these lame arguments that AT&T gives:

• We have the most popular phones. (No, you have the most popular handheld computer. And seriously? That's your argument? "Ours is more popular!" Puhleez.)
• We have the world's fastest 3G network. (Yes, it's quick. And it's also quick to drop calls.)
• You can surf the web and talk on the phone at the same time. (What good is that if the call keeps dropping?)

Winner: Verizon.

Let's be honest: If the iPhone had only aspired to be the greatest handheld computer, it wins hands-down. But unfortunately, iPhone tried to be a cell phone too. And there are just too many better cell phones out there. And there's definitely better service providers than AT&T. AT&T sucks, and because of that:

iPhone: You Suck

#35: Tena Adult Diaper Commercial

It's dinner time. My wife has made a lovely meatloaf. We sit at the dinner table, leaving the television on so we can listen to NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. We chat about how our day went between bites. Then, suddenly, our delicious dinner is interrupted by this commercial. I hate this commercial!

I know I've done a lot about commercials on this blog, but I just had to add this one to my list of things that suck. This is a commercial for an adult diaper. And the thing that's just disgusting about it is that this lady is just sitting in a car, wetting herself...and smiling. C'mon! Take a look:

Let's be honest: Incontinence is no laughing matter. There are 13 million people in our country who deal with it. I pray to God that I'll never have to wear one of those diapers! But my question is this: Do we really need this commercial? I mean, people who need these diapers--aren't they going to find 'em without the help of a commercial? I mean, if ya gotta go...you're gonna find the diaper! Right? And who's the genius who decides to place this commercial at dinnertime? Can't we spare ourselves of these commercials, please?

Tena Adult Diaper Commercial: You Suck!

#13 Long Commercial Breaks

So I'm watching American Idol the other night and Ryan Seacrest does one of his pathetic attempts at trying to seem sly when he tosses to the commercial break.

"Syesha. America voted...and you are...gonna find out

what they said...after the break!"

Gag. Then I sit through a commercial...and another...and another...and another. Oh for crying loud, how many commercials are there? 5 minutes. That's right. A 5 minute commercial break!

Then, on Thursday night I was watching one of my other favorite shows, Lost. Man, as if this show doesn't move slow enough...another 5 minute commercial break!

Remember when Chuck Woolery would toss to commercial break during Love Connection?

"We'll be back in two...and two."

Referring to the 2 minute commercial break...and the second that it takes to transition into the break and the second it takes to transition out of the break. Two minutes...two seconds. THAT'S an acceptable commercial break.

Let's be honest: I know these networks have bills to pay. And I fully expect a commercial break during my programming. It's a good time to go to the bathroom, fetch a beer...whatever. But now it's also enough time to re-tile the bathroom, polish off a six-pack, burp and then use the re-tiled bathroom! It's getting ridiculous.

Thank God I have a DVR now. Talk about something that doesn't suck! I don't know how I survived before it! Now I can zip through 5 minute commercial breaks in less than 20 seconds. So I rarely watch a show as it's airing these days. I record...and watch later.

Thank you DVR!

Long Commercial Breaks: You Suck!

#8: "Those" Commercials--Updated

You ever get that "not so fresh feeling?" You know what I'm talking about. That feeling that comes when you're watching your favorite TV show, only to be interrupted by a commercial for a "personal hygiene" item?

Man oh man. Some things used to be sacred. Used to be. Last night, I'm watching TV and a commercial comes on with a woman squirming around in her chair. The voice-over says:

"Got an uncomfortable itch? But you can't scratch it in public?"

Oh come on!!!

What has happened to television? We've got women talking about vaginal odor and some goober grinning from ear to ear because his "natural growth enhancement" pill is working. (I absolutely could NOT believe the Christmas commercial where the women are lining up to sit on Santa's lap because he took the enhancement pill.)

As I said, USED TO BE sacred. Ugh. Can we keep some things to ourselves?

Tampons, douches, vaginal cream, erectile dysfunction, incontinence hemhorroids...you name it. We'll talk about anything on TV these days.

Some of them even come with jingles. Take a look:


"Summer's Eve...brings back freshness everytime!" Ahhh...it's got a nice ring to it! Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

What about the abomination that they did to Elvis' Viva Las Vegas for the Viagra commercial? If he were really dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave!

Let's be honest. Yeah, these are natural things that happen to people. And yeah I'm glad that there's a product to help with these problems. But why oh why do we have to see these commercials? If you've got one of these problems, you can find the product. Trust me...if you really need it, you'll find it.

So can we just keep some things to ourselves? Let's get back to the commercials that make toys look much more fun that they actually are...and the ones that show unrealistically happy families sitting around the dinner table. Let's get back to car commercials that show drivers doing things we'll never be allowed to do without getting arrested. (Professional driver. Do not attempt. Then why show it on the commercial when you're trying to sell me the car?)

Sorry. I digress. The point is, there are plenty of other annoying commercials out there. Can't we stay away from anything that has to do with the area between the belly button and thighs?

"Those" commercials: You Suck.

UPDATE: I found a copy of the Christmas commercial I was talking about...so I added it. Also...I thought of another one this morning. Couldn't believe it when I saw it. It was for one of those adult diapers (not sure if it was Depends or not), where a woman is stuck in traffic and has to go to the bathroom. The announcer says something like, "Good thing she's got her Depends" and then you see the woman just start smiling, as she's sitting in her car. She's peeing in the car!!! For crying out loud!

#2 Local Commercials

It never fails. No matter where I travel in this country (and I travel a lot), as soon as I plop down in my hotel room and turn on the TV, there it is...the local commercial. You can recognize it right away.

The worst is the local car dealer. Talk about a walking, talking cliche'. Just switch over to any local station and he's there...with his greasy hair, standing in front of a line of used cars, shouting at the camera. Sometimes he wears a costume. Sometimes he's riding a horse. But he's always there. And is it just me, or do they all buy hair creme at the same place? Is there a brand of hair gel just for used car salesmen?

And when the screaming cheeseball isn't enough, they start with the kids (usually pre-pubescent twins who monotonely drone on about how "their daddy is the best car dealer ever!") and the animals. I've seen dancing dogs, talking cats and yes, even a yodeling camel.
Probably the worst local commerical I've ever seen, is Eagle Man:

But car dealers and insurance companies aren't the only ones. Here's a commercial for a local furniture store that's just awful:

That's 30 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

Lets be honest. Yeah, maybe they help make the name of the business memorable. But do you really want to do business with grown men who ride carpet rolls and lay eggs on cars?

I used to work in television. And it doesn't matter how much you tell the client that he shouldn't be in his own commercial...these guys insist on it! I don't know if its ego or the fact that they're just too cheap to fork over money for a quality spot. Probably both.

Local television commercials...You Suck.