#12 Gas Prices

Yeah, yeah, I know. This should've been number one on the list. But first of all, this list is in no particular order. And secondly, putting this at number one would've made this blog look waaaaaaay too predictable.

But yes, gas prices suck. As in more powerful than a Dyson sucks. And what pisses me off most about it, is that someone is getting filthy rich while the rest of us suffer through this "supply shortage." Puhleez. Shell and BP just posted record earnings this past quarter. Yeah, that's right...they made more money than they've ever made in a quarter before, while we suffer through this gas crisis.

Let's be honest: Right now, career politicians are trying to prey on your misunderstanding of how the system works, to get your vote. Right now, Senators Hillary Clinton and John McCain are pushing for a "holiday" on the federal gas tax. Yep, they're telling you that if they can pull it off, they'll get rid of the 18.4 cents per gallon federal tax for the entire summer. Sounds like a great deal huh? And they are trashing on Senator Obama for not supporting it. So, what's the deal? Is Obama an elitist who doesn't care how high gas prices get? Or is it because he knows what you don't know:

1. That the federal gas tax is a tax levied on the oil producers...not the consumers. And there's no gaurantee that the producers will pass the savings on to you. They don't have to. Heck, they're gouging you right now and making record profits. Since when have they shown that they're in this for you?
2. The average consumer would only save $28 during the entire summer, as a result of lifting the tax. That's a little over $9 a month. There's not a lot you can do with $9 these days.
3. Lifting the federal gas tax would hit the Highway Trust Fund to the tune of $8.5 billion. So...we'd get rid of some of that annoying summer road construction. That doesn't sound too bad, right? Except that every billion dollars worth of Highway Trust Fund money supports 33,000 jobs. Multiply that times 8.5. What good is it going to do those 280,500 workers to save $28 on gas this summer, when they don't have a job anyway?

I'm not trying to get political here. I'm not playing favorites. I'm just saying that there are some politicians out there who are going to try to play your worries about gas prices right into their own political gains. Be prepared.

Meanwhile, we're the ones caught in the middle of this mess...and it's killing us. I just filled up my Jeep Wrangler for $48.98. It's getting to where I can barely afford to drive to work anymore. OPEC...sucks. What a bunch of greedy bastards. But we also have to admit that we caused much of this problem by refusing to wean ourselves off this dependence for oil.

And don't even get me started on how our insistence on creating biofuels is creating a hunger crisis in this world. (Maybe that's a topic for a future Things That Suck.)

To try to help ease the pain a bit, here's a list of what others around the world are paying for a gallon of gas (in US dollars.)

• Italy: $5.96
• Norway $6.27
• Ireland $4.78
• Sweden $5.80

Gas Prices...You Suck...on a global basis!

#11: Non-Synchronized Traffic Lights

I really don't enjoy driving. Never have. Except maybe when the top's down on a convertible, on a gorgeous sunny day, miles of open road and no one else around. And...

No stoplights.

But let's face it, that's the exception rather than the norm.

The worst is driving on a stretch of road where the stoplights are not synchronized.

Depending on which route I take to work each day, I hit either 15 or 16 traffic lights. (Yes, I counted.) The frustrating part is that 8 of those are on the same stretch of highway. And every single one of those is less than a mile from the previous one. Less than a mile! So why oh why do I hit 5 of those lights red everyday? It's impossible to drive the posted speed limit and make the next light. Would it be too much to ask to be able to drive four or five miles without hitting a red light?

And there's one stretch where, if I push for 12-15 mph over the speed limit, I can make the next light. But guess what...that's where the traffic cops hang out. Tell me they don't know what's going on!

Sometimes I wonder if there's a guy sitting at a bunch of video monitors in a city office somewhere, watching us drivers...getting a kick out of tripping the lights just so we can't make the next one. Ha!

I suppose some people love the non-synchronized lights. Like the brake repair shops. They've gotta love all this start...stop...start...stop. Everytime we see a red light...they see green!

Let's be honest: Coordinating traffic can't be easy. But it seems to me that you should be able to drive the speed limit on major roads (highways, etc.) and make it through at least three lights without having to stop.

Non-synchronized Traffic Lights: You Suck

#10 Being Sick

I haven't posted for a few days. That's because I'm at home...sick as a dog. In fact, I'm lying in bed right now, with my laptop, putting this post together so you know that I haven't disappeared. But it won't be a lengthy post.

I already had a different #10 picked out and was ready to write about it, but given the circumstances, I will hold off and hopefully post that tomorrow. (If I can manage to climb out of bed.)

I hate being sick. I hate feeling achy and lethargic...almost lifeless. I'm going to go back to sleep.

Being sick: You Suck.

#9 Showing Off Your Underwear In Public

Take a look at the picture to the left. Is there anything sexy about that? Honestly..tell me...cuz I don't see it.

What's the deal with people wanting to show us their underwear all the time? Are there really people who make a conscious decision to get dressed, spin around in front of the mirror and say, "Hmmm...I'm just not showing enough of my underwear?"

Some people call it a whale tail. I can only assume it's because it looks like a whale's tail sticking up out of the water. If I were a girl, I wouldn't want anyone looking at my butt and saying the word "whale." (But that's just me.)

Look, when I'm out in public, I really don't want to see your underwear. I don't care how lacy, frilly or sexy you think they are...keep 'em to yourselves.

Remember when we all used to joke about "plummer pants" and how disgusting and gross it was to see a man's butt crack when he bent over?

So, is it disgusting only when it's a big, hairy man butt? But sexy when it's a girl? I don't think so. I don't think it matters how nice your butt is. Butt crack is not for public consumption.

Don't get me wrong...I like a nice butt. But I don't necessarily want to be looking at a butt crack at the grocery store when you go digging through dairy section trying to find the best "use by" date on the milk jugs.

And it's not just girls who are doing it today. I was at a Chipotle restaurant recently, eating lunch with my wife. These two young boys came in and one of them had his jeans pulled so far down, it was almost pornography. I'm serious...just like the kid in the picture above. Only the boy in Chipotle was wearing boxer briefs. (Fruit of the Loom as a matter of fact.) I totally expected to find out we were on a hidden camera show...it was just that silly.

All of the sudden, this lady gets up from her table, leaving her chicken burrito for a moment, walks up behind the boy while he was filling his drink cup...grabs his pants by the belt loops and pulls them up back over his butt. The kid, who must've been 13 if he was a day, looked horrified.

"Nobody wants to see your skinny little butt while they're eating!" The woman snapped at him. The boy sheepishly went back to his table and finished his lunch. I felt like applauding...but I figured the boy had suffered enough embarassment.

Let's be honest. There's a reason they call it UNDERwear. It's supposed to be UNDER your clothes. As in, out of sight. If I had a teenage daughter and she was prouncing around showing off her underwear where every man could see it, her wardrobe would be changed to one-piece jumpsuits faster than she can sing "tho-tho-tho-tho-thong!"

Have a little dignity.

People who show off your underwear in public: You Suck.

#8: "Those" Commercials--Updated

You ever get that "not so fresh feeling?" You know what I'm talking about. That feeling that comes when you're watching your favorite TV show, only to be interrupted by a commercial for a "personal hygiene" item?

Man oh man. Some things used to be sacred. Used to be. Last night, I'm watching TV and a commercial comes on with a woman squirming around in her chair. The voice-over says:

"Got an uncomfortable itch? But you can't scratch it in public?"

Oh come on!!!

What has happened to television? We've got women talking about vaginal odor and some goober grinning from ear to ear because his "natural growth enhancement" pill is working. (I absolutely could NOT believe the Christmas commercial where the women are lining up to sit on Santa's lap because he took the enhancement pill.)

As I said, USED TO BE sacred. Ugh. Can we keep some things to ourselves?

Tampons, douches, vaginal cream, erectile dysfunction, incontinence hemhorroids...you name it. We'll talk about anything on TV these days.

Some of them even come with jingles. Take a look:


"Summer's Eve...brings back freshness everytime!" Ahhh...it's got a nice ring to it! Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

What about the abomination that they did to Elvis' Viva Las Vegas for the Viagra commercial? If he were really dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave!

Let's be honest. Yeah, these are natural things that happen to people. And yeah I'm glad that there's a product to help with these problems. But why oh why do we have to see these commercials? If you've got one of these problems, you can find the product. Trust me...if you really need it, you'll find it.

So can we just keep some things to ourselves? Let's get back to the commercials that make toys look much more fun that they actually are...and the ones that show unrealistically happy families sitting around the dinner table. Let's get back to car commercials that show drivers doing things we'll never be allowed to do without getting arrested. (Professional driver. Do not attempt. Then why show it on the commercial when you're trying to sell me the car?)

Sorry. I digress. The point is, there are plenty of other annoying commercials out there. Can't we stay away from anything that has to do with the area between the belly button and thighs?

"Those" commercials: You Suck.

UPDATE: I found a copy of the Christmas commercial I was talking about...so I added it. Also...I thought of another one this morning. Couldn't believe it when I saw it. It was for one of those adult diapers (not sure if it was Depends or not), where a woman is stuck in traffic and has to go to the bathroom. The announcer says something like, "Good thing she's got her Depends" and then you see the woman just start smiling, as she's sitting in her car. She's peeing in the car!!! For crying out loud!

#7: Hard Shell Plastic Packaging

Why? Why oh why do they use that awful hard-shell plastic packaging for so many products today?

I bought a flash drive a few weeks ago and for the life of me, I couldn't get the darn thing out of the package with my bare hands. So, I resorted to the teeth.

Nope...no good. Then I had to break out a box-cutter razor. So I sliced a hole in the package and then reached in with my fingers to pull the plastic pieces apart. Guess what? I cut my fingers on the plastic that I had just cut!

Ugh! I've heard the phrase, "wrap rage" to define how frustrating it is to try to open these things. I think that sounds about right! The Consumer Product Safety Commission says thousands of people are injured every year by trying to open these sealed plastic packages!

It's gotten so bad, some companies are selling products like the "Open X" just to help you open the other products you bought! (Oh...and in case you were wondering...the Open X comes in a cardboard package!)

Let's be honest: I know that retailers are demanding packaging that deters theft. But there has to be a better way, doesn't there? I mean, it's 2008 for crying out loud. Maybe we aren't to the point where we are driving flying cars or colonizing Mars, but you can't tell me that we can't come up with a better solution to plastic packaging!

Or maybe we can at least come up with a better use for it. What if clamshell plastic packaging was how we wrapped all nuclear weapons? Then we'd never have to worry about a nuclear war! Who's gonna take the time? Or think about how much weight we'd all lose if candy bars came wrapped in this stuff. But oh no! They want THAT to be easily accessible!

Hard Shell Plastic Packaging: You Suck.

#6: "Experts"

It seems these days almost anyone can call themselves an expert in something. But how often do we see these so-called experts completely getting it wrong?

Did you know that NASA spent over 125 million dollars on a Mars orbiter program...only to find out that their "experts" did the math wrong and sent the orbiter burning to ashes in the planet's atmosphere? Here's what's rich: Their downfall was that they actually had TWO teams of "experts" working on the orbiter program. But one team used metric units and the other used English units. Oops. There goes 125 million dollars! That's an expensive candle.

And how many times this campaign season have the political "experts" told us exactly how a primary race was going to go? Only to be completely wrong? New Hampshire's primary this year was a good example of that. Polls showed Hillary Clinton was going to get beaten pretty soundly by Barack Obama. It was going to be the impetus for her getting out of the race. Instead, Clinton clearly won New Hampshire and used it as a reason for why she should stay in.

Or how about those movie critics?

"You MUST see this movie!"

"An EXCITING thrill ride!"

So you spend your 8 bucks for tickets, 6 bucks for popcorn and 3 bucks for a soda...only to walk out feeling like you just got mugged. Critics for Norbit told us it was "Hysterically Funny"...yeah, cuz the first three movies with Eddie Murphy in a fat suit just weren't enough for us.

Sometimes, I think critics just like to hear themselves speak. Or maybe they just like toying with people's emotions. In the case of movie reviews, I know there's some sort of "prestige" that comes with having your quote on the movie poster or DVD cover.

Let's be honest: Opinions are like belly buttons. Everybody's got one. Some are shallow. Some are deep. Some are fuzzier than others. But just because you have one, doesn't make you an expert. And it certainly doesn't mean I want to see it. Unless you know what you're talking about, please just keep it to yourself.

So-called "experts": You Suck.