#37: Tony Kornheiser

Up until now, I've not singled out any one person whom I think sucks. But today, one man seriously deserves the honor.

Tony Kornheiser, the "I don't know jack about football but I still get to be an announcer for Monday Night Football" guy on ESPN. When he's not offending hispanics, or trying desperately to earn brownie points by taking the obvious jabs against unpopular players, he's just trying too darn hard to be funny. And...he's not. Seriously not.

Kornheiser is just another in a list of failed attempts to bring humor to football. NBC tried to make Dennis Miller work on Monday Nights...and that was atrocious. Don't get me wrong, I love Dennis Miller's comedy. But I don't watch football so I can hear high-brow jokes with 5 syllable words while I'm drinking beer and eating hot wings. Miller and football...just didn't work.

At least Miller is funny. Kornheiser, on the other hand, is not. Far too often, he goes for the low-road...the obvious punchline. I'm told he's a well respected columnist. I don't know. I've never read his stuff. But judging from his horrible on-camera presence, his lack of off-the-cuff wit and his obvious and painful lack of knowledge of football, my guess is that being a newspaper columnist is probably where he belongs.

Let's be honest: I don't know a single football fan who ever said, "You know what's missing during the football game? Comedy." And there's a reason for that. Serious football fans take their games VERY seriously. Trust me on that one. I'm a Cowboys fan. When they lose, it affects my life. I'm not joking about that. I can get physically ill during a game. I don't want some schmuck rapping off one-liners to make me laugh. If I had a nickel for everytime I yelled "Shut up, Kornheiser!" during a game, I'd be a rich man. C'mon, ESPN...do us all a favor. Get rid of Kornheiser and let's focus on football.

Tony Kornheiser: You Suck.

#36: Political Polls

Monday morning headline:

McCAIN LEADS OBAMA IN NEW POLL

By Monday afternoon:

POLL SHOWS OBAMA, MCCAIN IN DEAD HEAT

Come on. Seriously?

Let's be honest: Polls mean squat. They are filler...fodder to fill the airwaves when the media feels like they've got nothing else to say. (And let's be honest, do they ever really have anything to say?)

Think about this:

There are nearly 220 million people of voting age in this country. Of those eligible, only around 150 million actually register to vote. Think about that number for a second:

150,000,000 people registered to vote

And we're supposed to believe that the media knows who's winning the race by interviewing 3,000 of them? That's .0002 percent. Less than two millionths of a percent of the voters are questioned by these polls. And we're supposed to believe they really know who's in the lead?

During election season we are inundated with political ads, political pundits, debates, interviews, articles, blah blah blah. Can we just do away with the worthless polls? Can we just take one thing off that ridiculously long list of political crap we have to endure during this time of year?

Please?

Political Polls: You Suck

#35: Tena Adult Diaper Commercial

It's dinner time. My wife has made a lovely meatloaf. We sit at the dinner table, leaving the television on so we can listen to NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. We chat about how our day went between bites. Then, suddenly, our delicious dinner is interrupted by this commercial. I hate this commercial!

I know I've done a lot about commercials on this blog, but I just had to add this one to my list of things that suck. This is a commercial for an adult diaper. And the thing that's just disgusting about it is that this lady is just sitting in a car, wetting herself...and smiling. C'mon! Take a look:

Let's be honest: Incontinence is no laughing matter. There are 13 million people in our country who deal with it. I pray to God that I'll never have to wear one of those diapers! But my question is this: Do we really need this commercial? I mean, people who need these diapers--aren't they going to find 'em without the help of a commercial? I mean, if ya gotta go...you're gonna find the diaper! Right? And who's the genius who decides to place this commercial at dinnertime? Can't we spare ourselves of these commercials, please?

Tena Adult Diaper Commercial: You Suck!

#34: Summer Colds

Three days. That's how long my wife and son battled their summer cold before my body finally succumbed. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that surely, after two days, if I didn't have it yet, I was going to avoid it.

Au contraire, mon ami.

I hate summer colds. They are the worst. They linger. The congestion. The pressure. The nose that won't stop running. The itchy, sore throat, the coughing, sneezing, aching.

What I hate most is not being able to sleep at night. And when I do finally fall asleep, I can only breathe through my mouth, so there's the snoring to contend with. And then you wake up with this awful taste in your mouth---did something crawl down my throat and die while I was sleeping? Yech!

And then there's the difficult decision: "Do I go to work or no?" If I call in sick, I better have a better excuse than a cold. It just sounds pathetic...wimpy.

"Oh, my lung collapsed"--now that's a legitimate excuse to call in sick! But a cold? C'mon! But then, if you DO go into work...just cough out loud once...and someone's bound to say it:

"What are you doing here? You're going to get us all sick!"

"Sorry. I was holding out to see if my lung would collapse."

Ugh.

Let's be honest: Everyone gets sick from time to time. And while I'm no germ freak, I certainly would prefer someone with a cold stay home. I'm not impressed by those people who say "I worked 20 years and never called in sick once." Yeah, well...how many people did you infect everytime you came to work with a cold? Do us all a favor and stay home...at least until you're past the contagious stage.

Summer Colds: You Suck.

#33: People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones (When They're Supposed To)

I was at a conference a couple of weeks ago...and EVERY STINKING SESSION was interrupted by someone's obnoxious ringtone. What the...?

Here's one that really bothers me: I don't think I have been to a single church service in the past year that didn't include at least one cell phone ring. For crying out loud, Jesus wants you to turn your phone off!!!!

And probably 3 out of the last 5 movies I've been to have included someone receiving a call during the film. One time, a person flat out answered the phone and started having a conversation with the caller--during the movie! That's beyond rude.

Come on, people! Put your phone on vibrate for crying out loud. Or better yet, turn the darn thing off. You can live for two hours without a phone call. This may come as a shock to many of you, but before cell phones were invented, we all survived for hours at a time without talking or texting on the phone (insert old fart comment here.)

Phones in the movie theatre really piss me off. Ya know, it costs so much to go to a movie these days. Between inflated ticket prices and the ridiculous cost of popcorn, candy and drinks, it's expensive! Add to that the cost of a babysitter (if you need one) and you could easily drop $50 just to go see a movie. Ya know, I don't want to spend $50 to listen to you talk on the phone. I don't want to spend $50 to have the glow of your cell phone interrupting my movie-watching.

Let's be honest: Technology is great. We can communicate with pretty much anyone at anytime. But just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Have a little respect for others. Put your phone on vibrate. Then, if it rings during a church service, movie or conference session, you can walk out quietly and take your call. This isn't rocket science folks...this is common courtesy.

People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones When You're Supposed To: You Suck!

#32: Ticket Scalpers

So you want to go to a concert...or a sporting event. And you, like hundreds--maybe thousands of other people, do exactly what you're supposed to do...you wait til the second tickets go on sale and either call TicketMaster or go to their website...only to find out that all the good seats are already taken.

What the &^%$#@!

To make matters worse, once you finally get your nose-bleed section tickets, you show up for the event, only to find out that some guy is in the parking lot, selling the EXACT SAME TICKETS you wanted...at three times the price.

How did he get those tickets!?

Let's be honest: Everybody's out to make a buck. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But there has to be a way to keep scalpers from getting all the good tickets. TicketMaster has to be better about policing their own system. (Or else, another company needs to come in and take away TicketMaster's stranglehold on the industry.) When the same company or person is buying up dozens of tickets to every frickin' event in town, that should be a red flag. Hard working Joe Schmoe should have the right to see his favorite rock band, in a decent seat, without having to pay four day's wages to do so.

Maybe we need to go back to the old system...first-come, first-served. And no, you can't buy three dozen tickets either. Get in line, buy your tickets...and get back in line if you wanna buy more.

Ticket Scalpers: You Suck

#31: Loud TV Commercials

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH TV COMMERCIALS BEING SO LOUD?

I'm sick and tired of having to ride the volume button between my favorite shows and the commercial breaks. Some networks/stations are worse than others. UPN is absolutely terrible about it. As is Comedy Central. Thank God for DVR's...now I can skip past the annoying attempts at TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING BY SHOUTING AT ME FOR 30 SECONDS STRAIGHT!

Monday night is one of my favorite television-watching nights. CBS has a string of great comedies: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and New Adventures of Old Christine. Good stuff...and perfect placement by the network. I'm usually in dire need of a few good laughs after a Monday at work!

BUT THEN COME THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

HOLY COW!

Let's be honest: I know advertisers try to bump their audio up to get your attention. But this is frickin' 2008. Why don't we have a device that regulates audio coming into our television sets. (Do they still call them "sets"...geez, I'm a geezer.) And if you figure out how to make all the audio the same level--across the board--could someone please teach the people at iPod that too? It's impossible to get all of your songs to play at the same level on that device too. But I'm getting off-track here.

LOUD TV COMMERCIALS: YOU SUCK!