#40: Pet Hair

"Let's get a puppy!"

Awww...little puppy breath...little puppy kisses. A playful little pup that wants to sit in your lap and take naps with you. Awwwww...

Whatever.

Yeah, it's cute til little puppy grows up. And starts shedding. And shedding. And shedding. And then decides to destroy your remote controls, eat furniture and shred your sofa. But I digress.

I hate pet hair. It's on my furniture. It clogs up the vacuum cleaner...but somehow still manages to cling to the carpet. It's on my clothes. I have to keep a lint roller in my desk at work...one in my car...and two or three in the house.

Pet hair is magical. And not in a good way. I'm serious. I opened a can of tuna the other day. I swear one of my dog's hairs was already in there! It's frickin' everywhere! Yech!

Let's be honest: Pets can be wonderful. They can be great companions...and bring much joy. But, as is with most good things, there's always a downside. And this downside permeates, clings, coats and sticks to everything. Now, if you could package pet hair and sell it, that would be nice. I'd be frickin' rich! Too bad that hairless dogs look way too freaky.

Screw it. I'm gettin' a goldfish.

Pet Hair: You Suck!

#39: Political Advertising

Ugh.
I probably don't have to write much about this one. You probably already get it. It's bad enough that we have to endure McCain calling Obama this...and Obama calling McCain that. But then you have your state candidates who add to the mix. And, what's worse, the terrible local, low-budget political ads.

Enough already!

You can't watch a single program...on any channel...without being bombarded with this crap.
Some are worthless. Some are just plain mudslinging. At least some are funny:



Let's be honest: Yeah, television advertising is a powerful medium. And yes, most voters are so stupid they'll believe anything you tell them on TV. "Obama's gonna raise your taxes!", "McCain is a George Bush clone!" I get it. I get that you have to attack the airwaves with ads to keep your name, agenda out front. But geez...have we pushed the limit this election or what?

Political Ads: You Suck!

I'm Hoover Maneuver and I approve this message.

#38: Smoking Restaurants

So, I was in Michigan this past week for a work-related project and went out to eat a couple of times while I was there.

Man, have I been spoiled in Colorado. I had forgotten how disgusting it is to go out to eat and be inundated with the stench of cigarette smoke. I had forgotten how it penetrates your clothes, your hair...and yes, even your food. Doesn't matter that the restaurants have a "non-smoking section." No one told that to the smoke. It wanders whereever it pleases. And, as it used to be in Colorado before we passed the smoke-free legislation, restaurants typically have the non-smoking section just a few feet away from the smoking section anyway. Why bother?

Let's be honest: You have a right to smoke. I have a right to clean air. At some point, our rights are going to conflict. And when they do, they should always lean in the direction of protection. As in protecting me from the hazardous filth that you're pouring out into the atmosphere.

I don't care what filth you put into your body. That's your decision. But it's also my decision what filth I put into MY body. And I shouldn't have to endure your cigarette smoke just because I want to go out to eat.

Michigan...get on the ball. It's time we stopped smoking in public places in every state.

Side Note: What's funny is how smokers think they can hide the stench with gum, perfume, whatever. You can't. Non-smokers can tell if you smoke within seconds of meeting you. I don't care if you haven't had a cigarette in hours. It's on you like skunk odor. And, I'm sure I'll offend some people by saying this, but girls who think they look sexy with a cigarette...yech! I've met women who have no idea how smoking is changing their faces. The wrinkles around the lips. The yellow teeth. The dark circles under the eyes. The crow's feet. The pronounced nasal labial folds. Absolute and total turn-off. Just my .02

Restaurants with "Smoking Sections": You Suck!

#37: Tony Kornheiser

Up until now, I've not singled out any one person whom I think sucks. But today, one man seriously deserves the honor.

Tony Kornheiser, the "I don't know jack about football but I still get to be an announcer for Monday Night Football" guy on ESPN. When he's not offending hispanics, or trying desperately to earn brownie points by taking the obvious jabs against unpopular players, he's just trying too darn hard to be funny. And...he's not. Seriously not.

Kornheiser is just another in a list of failed attempts to bring humor to football. NBC tried to make Dennis Miller work on Monday Nights...and that was atrocious. Don't get me wrong, I love Dennis Miller's comedy. But I don't watch football so I can hear high-brow jokes with 5 syllable words while I'm drinking beer and eating hot wings. Miller and football...just didn't work.

At least Miller is funny. Kornheiser, on the other hand, is not. Far too often, he goes for the low-road...the obvious punchline. I'm told he's a well respected columnist. I don't know. I've never read his stuff. But judging from his horrible on-camera presence, his lack of off-the-cuff wit and his obvious and painful lack of knowledge of football, my guess is that being a newspaper columnist is probably where he belongs.

Let's be honest: I don't know a single football fan who ever said, "You know what's missing during the football game? Comedy." And there's a reason for that. Serious football fans take their games VERY seriously. Trust me on that one. I'm a Cowboys fan. When they lose, it affects my life. I'm not joking about that. I can get physically ill during a game. I don't want some schmuck rapping off one-liners to make me laugh. If I had a nickel for everytime I yelled "Shut up, Kornheiser!" during a game, I'd be a rich man. C'mon, ESPN...do us all a favor. Get rid of Kornheiser and let's focus on football.

Tony Kornheiser: You Suck.

#36: Political Polls

Monday morning headline:

McCAIN LEADS OBAMA IN NEW POLL

By Monday afternoon:

POLL SHOWS OBAMA, MCCAIN IN DEAD HEAT

Come on. Seriously?

Let's be honest: Polls mean squat. They are filler...fodder to fill the airwaves when the media feels like they've got nothing else to say. (And let's be honest, do they ever really have anything to say?)

Think about this:

There are nearly 220 million people of voting age in this country. Of those eligible, only around 150 million actually register to vote. Think about that number for a second:

150,000,000 people registered to vote

And we're supposed to believe that the media knows who's winning the race by interviewing 3,000 of them? That's .0002 percent. Less than two millionths of a percent of the voters are questioned by these polls. And we're supposed to believe they really know who's in the lead?

During election season we are inundated with political ads, political pundits, debates, interviews, articles, blah blah blah. Can we just do away with the worthless polls? Can we just take one thing off that ridiculously long list of political crap we have to endure during this time of year?

Please?

Political Polls: You Suck

#35: Tena Adult Diaper Commercial

It's dinner time. My wife has made a lovely meatloaf. We sit at the dinner table, leaving the television on so we can listen to NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. We chat about how our day went between bites. Then, suddenly, our delicious dinner is interrupted by this commercial. I hate this commercial!

I know I've done a lot about commercials on this blog, but I just had to add this one to my list of things that suck. This is a commercial for an adult diaper. And the thing that's just disgusting about it is that this lady is just sitting in a car, wetting herself...and smiling. C'mon! Take a look:

Let's be honest: Incontinence is no laughing matter. There are 13 million people in our country who deal with it. I pray to God that I'll never have to wear one of those diapers! But my question is this: Do we really need this commercial? I mean, people who need these diapers--aren't they going to find 'em without the help of a commercial? I mean, if ya gotta go...you're gonna find the diaper! Right? And who's the genius who decides to place this commercial at dinnertime? Can't we spare ourselves of these commercials, please?

Tena Adult Diaper Commercial: You Suck!

#34: Summer Colds

Three days. That's how long my wife and son battled their summer cold before my body finally succumbed. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that surely, after two days, if I didn't have it yet, I was going to avoid it.

Au contraire, mon ami.

I hate summer colds. They are the worst. They linger. The congestion. The pressure. The nose that won't stop running. The itchy, sore throat, the coughing, sneezing, aching.

What I hate most is not being able to sleep at night. And when I do finally fall asleep, I can only breathe through my mouth, so there's the snoring to contend with. And then you wake up with this awful taste in your mouth---did something crawl down my throat and die while I was sleeping? Yech!

And then there's the difficult decision: "Do I go to work or no?" If I call in sick, I better have a better excuse than a cold. It just sounds pathetic...wimpy.

"Oh, my lung collapsed"--now that's a legitimate excuse to call in sick! But a cold? C'mon! But then, if you DO go into work...just cough out loud once...and someone's bound to say it:

"What are you doing here? You're going to get us all sick!"

"Sorry. I was holding out to see if my lung would collapse."

Ugh.

Let's be honest: Everyone gets sick from time to time. And while I'm no germ freak, I certainly would prefer someone with a cold stay home. I'm not impressed by those people who say "I worked 20 years and never called in sick once." Yeah, well...how many people did you infect everytime you came to work with a cold? Do us all a favor and stay home...at least until you're past the contagious stage.

Summer Colds: You Suck.