Wednesday, December 31, 2008

#41: The Dallas Cowboys

First, let me say that I have been a Cowboys fan since 1975. I was just a kid then, but I knew I liked the Cowboys. (Of course, growing up in Texas didn't hurt.)

But being a Cowboys fan is like being a glutton for disappointment. How many years have we said, "Next year..." How many years have we watched our team NOT SHOW UP for the big games? How many years do we have to watch a lukewarm quarterback? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of Tony Romo. He's awful. He's a collapser. As in he crumbles when the going gets tough. That's not a quarterback, that's a cheerleader. Put a skirt on Tony. You don't deserve to be under center. You're the new Danny White. Start flashy--fizzle out. All hype--no game. Tony Romo: You Suck

I'm sick of our powder puff head coach Wade Phillips. He took the most talented group of athletes ever assembled on a roster and turned them into mediocre players. It's the coach's job to get the players ready for each opponent. You failed...miserably. Wade Phillips: You Suck

I'm sick of an offensive line that can't block. Seriously? You guys are huge? And people are still running over you like 8th graders. Offensive Line: You Suck

I'm ESPECIALLY SICK of Jason Garrett--the most predictable and uncreative play caller in all of football. How in the hell did you land this job? Hey dumbass, on 3rd ad 6 why are you calling -2 yard pass plays? Get the ball to the first down marker, for crying out loud! Good grief, I hope the Lions do take you as head coach. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Buh-bye. Jason Garrett: You Suck

The defensive secondary just can't seem to stop the deep pass. Every team we played knew this. And the smart ones lit us up on deep passes all season long. Newsflash secondary: YOU CAN'T PLAY ZONE. YOU'RE NO GOOD AT IT. QUIT TRYING. Defensive secondary: You Suck.

Notice I didn't single out TO. While some of his antics this year were a bit bothersome, overall I think he's good for the team. In fact, he's one of the few true competitors on this team of candy asses. So no TO--you don't suck. Neither does Jason Witten. What a tough guy. And Tashard Choice--I look forward to what you do next year along with our barbarian running back, Marion.

Thanks Dallas Cowboys. You made me hate the game again. You once again convinced me to believe--then you, yourselves didn't even believe in yourselves enough to show up.

Dallas Cowboys: You Suck.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Top 10 Things That Sucked in 2008

Oh, what a sucky year! 2008 was filled with crap, disappointment and frustration. From music to fashion, television, movies, sports and the economy, it just wasn't a good year.

Let's take a look, shall we, at the top ten reasons 2008 sucked:

10. Miley Cyrus. I mean, seriously? What's worse than the Achy Breaky Cheeseball Billy Ray Cyrus singing on stage? Answer: His daughter. Not cute. Not even a decent vocalist. Predictable, if not boring songs.
And the television show? You've gotta be kidding me! I stumbled upon one episode a few weeks ago. What a train wreck. If I wanted to assemble a cast for the worst television sitcom ever, I'd probably pick Dolly Parton, Vicki Lawrence, Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter, Miley. Oh wait...been done. Yech!

9. The Peasant Blouse. Quick, tell this woman pregnant? Cuz I can't tell! I mean, seriously! The "peasant blouse" was hugely popular in 2008. Women love 'em. But as a guy, I gotta tell ya, they are NOT flattering.

They seriously look like maternity wear. Now, don't get me wrong, I think most pregnant women look cute, but if you're not pregnant, why would you want to look like you are?
In my opinion, this is one fashion trend that sucked in 2008. Leggings and the "empire waist" tops are right behind 'em.
8. TV Writer's Strike. When the economy is bad, we need entertainment to take our minds off our woes. But oh no! Hollywood writers decided to add insult to injury by going on strike. Sure, this was a carry-over from 2007, but it had a huge impact on television programming in 2008. So, at a time when the country needs an escape, instead we get crappy reality shows and re-runs. Programs like 24, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, Lost, etc...suffer.

7. Sucky Movies: I could make a whole separate list just for the bad movies that came out this year, but I'll stick to the ones I saw. Unfortunately, I saw quite a few bad movies in 2008:
You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Decent idea. Terrible execution. . The accents--wretched. John Turturro should be ashamed of himself. (Not that he's a fabulous actor, but even this was beneath him.) Thankfully, I waited til this movie came out on DVD to see it. I would've demanded my money back had I paid theatre ticket prices.

There were 3 funny scenes in the whole entire movie. Yeah, you know them...the same 3 scenes they showed in the trailer. That's it.
The rest was crap.
Hellboy II. When you're married with kids, you don't get to go to the movies as much as you used to. So, you have to make the most out of "date night." Unfortunately, my wife and I wasted a date night on Hellboy II.

15 minutes into it, I leaned over to my wife in the theatre and whispered, "If the acting is going to be this bad throughout the whole movie, we're leaving." But, being the miser that I am with my money, I stayed. "I paid $25 for tickets, popcorn and soft drinks, darnit! I'm gonna get my money's worth!" Sadly, I did not get my money's worth.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What a disappointment. Alien ending? Puhleez! And the cast--ugh! Karen Allen? If I NEVER see her in another movie again it will still be too soon. Shia LaBeouf? Yech!

Cheesy story.
Cheesy acting.
Lame special effects.
Harrison Ford was just a bit too slow. And the script didn't help. This movie was an all-around disaster. And, in my opinion, "dumbed down" the entire Indiana Jones series.

6. Sucky Sports. There are a few really sucky ones that come to mind. First, the NY Giants beating the NE Patriots in the SuperBowl. Ugh. I don't believe there is a human being on this planet who hates the Giants more than I do.
And Eli Manning...are you kidding me? I'm still convinced we're going to find out he's actually a 14-year old girl. He just doesn't look like he hit puberty yet. Look at that picture to the left. Does that not look like how your sister would throw a football? I am absolutely convinced the Patriots threw the game to thwart off any more investigations into their cheating via videotape. The Giants suck.
The other sucky sports moments came in the Olympics. One, was the obvious cheating by the Chinese by employing underage girls to compete. Yes, it's impressive that a 14-year old can compete on that scale. Kudos to her for that. But they cheated. They know it. You know it. We all know it.
The other sucky sports moment of the Olympics...when women's hurdler Lolo Jones tripped and fell during her race. She was winning. She was an Olympic darling, with a wonderful story. A win in the Olympics would be like a great made-for-tv movie. Instead, she fell. Absolute heartbreak. The pain in her face. The anguish. That sucked.

5. The Election: Elections always suck. The mudslinging, the name-calling. The lies. And oh, for crying out loud, the commercials! Yech! And this year, candidates raised more money than ever and bought more advertising than ever. Enough already! I'm so glad that I don't have to watch one more campaign ad for a while. Thankfully, Tina Fey and Saturday Night Live made Sarah Palin (and all of the election, for that matter) at least worth a good chuckle. I'm glad we don't go through a major election every year.

4. Global Food Crisis. As the economy tanked, we all felt the burden. But whereas we have to cut back, others starve. The global food crisis was/is VERY real...and put millions of people into threat of starvation. Food prices and other basic staples were out of reach for the 1.2 billion people living on less than $1 a day. Thankfully, it opened the eyes of many generous people, who decided to donate, even as their own families were having to cut back. But this is a problem we've got to fix. We've got to find a way to level the playing field so people aren't starving in this world. It's the 21st century, for crying out loud. People shouldn't starve.

3. Gas Prices. Gas prices are gonna go over $3/gallon. No wait...$ wait...$5! Holy cow! At one point, it cost me $62 to fill up my Jeep Wrangler. And since it only gets 14 miles per gallon, I spent a LOT of money on gas this summer.

Here's what really ticks me off: All of the sudden, gas drops to $1.50 again. What the heck just happened? Ask the experts--they don't even know! I actually heard one analyst on CNN say, "No one knows. We have no idea why gas is cheaper again." I do. It's called greed my friends...greed. Somebody got really rich this summer and it wasn't me.

2. The Housing Market. With a second baby on the way, my wife and I decided we needed to find a larger home. Our little house is startng to feel pretty cramped. Then the bubble burst. We couldn't have timed it worse.

If I had sold the house two years ago, I would've gotten $28,000 more than I can today. $28,000! That's a LOT of money...and THAT SUCKS! Needless to say, we've decided to ride out the storm a little longer...we'll just be bumping into each other a lot more.
1. The Stock Market. C'mon, this is a no-brainer! Almost everyone felt the hurt this year. Obviously, this was directly tied to other items mentioned on this list too (the housing market, the election, gas prices, etc.) If you retired in 2007 and relied on your stock to get along, you may have ended up going back to work in 2008. That is, if you could find a job. What a tough year. Thankfully, wise investors know that you have to ride out the tough times. But if you really needed your stock to do well in 2008, chances are you're hurtin' big time!
So there you have it. 2008 was not really a very good year.

2008: You Suck!