Wednesday, December 31, 2008

#41: The Dallas Cowboys

First, let me say that I have been a Cowboys fan since 1975. I was just a kid then, but I knew I liked the Cowboys. (Of course, growing up in Texas didn't hurt.)

But being a Cowboys fan is like being a glutton for disappointment. How many years have we said, "Next year..." How many years have we watched our team NOT SHOW UP for the big games? How many years do we have to watch a lukewarm quarterback? I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of Tony Romo. He's awful. He's a collapser. As in he crumbles when the going gets tough. That's not a quarterback, that's a cheerleader. Put a skirt on Tony. You don't deserve to be under center. You're the new Danny White. Start flashy--fizzle out. All hype--no game. Tony Romo: You Suck

I'm sick of our powder puff head coach Wade Phillips. He took the most talented group of athletes ever assembled on a roster and turned them into mediocre players. It's the coach's job to get the players ready for each opponent. You failed...miserably. Wade Phillips: You Suck

I'm sick of an offensive line that can't block. Seriously? You guys are huge? And people are still running over you like 8th graders. Offensive Line: You Suck

I'm ESPECIALLY SICK of Jason Garrett--the most predictable and uncreative play caller in all of football. How in the hell did you land this job? Hey dumbass, on 3rd ad 6 why are you calling -2 yard pass plays? Get the ball to the first down marker, for crying out loud! Good grief, I hope the Lions do take you as head coach. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Buh-bye. Jason Garrett: You Suck

The defensive secondary just can't seem to stop the deep pass. Every team we played knew this. And the smart ones lit us up on deep passes all season long. Newsflash secondary: YOU CAN'T PLAY ZONE. YOU'RE NO GOOD AT IT. QUIT TRYING. Defensive secondary: You Suck.

Notice I didn't single out TO. While some of his antics this year were a bit bothersome, overall I think he's good for the team. In fact, he's one of the few true competitors on this team of candy asses. So no TO--you don't suck. Neither does Jason Witten. What a tough guy. And Tashard Choice--I look forward to what you do next year along with our barbarian running back, Marion.

Thanks Dallas Cowboys. You made me hate the game again. You once again convinced me to believe--then you, yourselves didn't even believe in yourselves enough to show up.

Dallas Cowboys: You Suck.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Top 10 Things That Sucked in 2008

Oh, what a sucky year! 2008 was filled with crap, disappointment and frustration. From music to fashion, television, movies, sports and the economy, it just wasn't a good year.

Let's take a look, shall we, at the top ten reasons 2008 sucked:

10. Miley Cyrus. I mean, seriously? What's worse than the Achy Breaky Cheeseball Billy Ray Cyrus singing on stage? Answer: His daughter. Not cute. Not even a decent vocalist. Predictable, if not boring songs.
And the television show? You've gotta be kidding me! I stumbled upon one episode a few weeks ago. What a train wreck. If I wanted to assemble a cast for the worst television sitcom ever, I'd probably pick Dolly Parton, Vicki Lawrence, Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter, Miley. Oh wait...been done. Yech!

9. The Peasant Blouse. Quick, tell this woman pregnant? Cuz I can't tell! I mean, seriously! The "peasant blouse" was hugely popular in 2008. Women love 'em. But as a guy, I gotta tell ya, they are NOT flattering.

They seriously look like maternity wear. Now, don't get me wrong, I think most pregnant women look cute, but if you're not pregnant, why would you want to look like you are?
In my opinion, this is one fashion trend that sucked in 2008. Leggings and the "empire waist" tops are right behind 'em.
8. TV Writer's Strike. When the economy is bad, we need entertainment to take our minds off our woes. But oh no! Hollywood writers decided to add insult to injury by going on strike. Sure, this was a carry-over from 2007, but it had a huge impact on television programming in 2008. So, at a time when the country needs an escape, instead we get crappy reality shows and re-runs. Programs like 24, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, Lost, etc...suffer.

7. Sucky Movies: I could make a whole separate list just for the bad movies that came out this year, but I'll stick to the ones I saw. Unfortunately, I saw quite a few bad movies in 2008:
You Don't Mess With the Zohan. Decent idea. Terrible execution. . The accents--wretched. John Turturro should be ashamed of himself. (Not that he's a fabulous actor, but even this was beneath him.) Thankfully, I waited til this movie came out on DVD to see it. I would've demanded my money back had I paid theatre ticket prices.

There were 3 funny scenes in the whole entire movie. Yeah, you know them...the same 3 scenes they showed in the trailer. That's it.
The rest was crap.
Hellboy II. When you're married with kids, you don't get to go to the movies as much as you used to. So, you have to make the most out of "date night." Unfortunately, my wife and I wasted a date night on Hellboy II.

15 minutes into it, I leaned over to my wife in the theatre and whispered, "If the acting is going to be this bad throughout the whole movie, we're leaving." But, being the miser that I am with my money, I stayed. "I paid $25 for tickets, popcorn and soft drinks, darnit! I'm gonna get my money's worth!" Sadly, I did not get my money's worth.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What a disappointment. Alien ending? Puhleez! And the cast--ugh! Karen Allen? If I NEVER see her in another movie again it will still be too soon. Shia LaBeouf? Yech!

Cheesy story.
Cheesy acting.
Lame special effects.
Harrison Ford was just a bit too slow. And the script didn't help. This movie was an all-around disaster. And, in my opinion, "dumbed down" the entire Indiana Jones series.

6. Sucky Sports. There are a few really sucky ones that come to mind. First, the NY Giants beating the NE Patriots in the SuperBowl. Ugh. I don't believe there is a human being on this planet who hates the Giants more than I do.
And Eli Manning...are you kidding me? I'm still convinced we're going to find out he's actually a 14-year old girl. He just doesn't look like he hit puberty yet. Look at that picture to the left. Does that not look like how your sister would throw a football? I am absolutely convinced the Patriots threw the game to thwart off any more investigations into their cheating via videotape. The Giants suck.
The other sucky sports moments came in the Olympics. One, was the obvious cheating by the Chinese by employing underage girls to compete. Yes, it's impressive that a 14-year old can compete on that scale. Kudos to her for that. But they cheated. They know it. You know it. We all know it.
The other sucky sports moment of the Olympics...when women's hurdler Lolo Jones tripped and fell during her race. She was winning. She was an Olympic darling, with a wonderful story. A win in the Olympics would be like a great made-for-tv movie. Instead, she fell. Absolute heartbreak. The pain in her face. The anguish. That sucked.

5. The Election: Elections always suck. The mudslinging, the name-calling. The lies. And oh, for crying out loud, the commercials! Yech! And this year, candidates raised more money than ever and bought more advertising than ever. Enough already! I'm so glad that I don't have to watch one more campaign ad for a while. Thankfully, Tina Fey and Saturday Night Live made Sarah Palin (and all of the election, for that matter) at least worth a good chuckle. I'm glad we don't go through a major election every year.

4. Global Food Crisis. As the economy tanked, we all felt the burden. But whereas we have to cut back, others starve. The global food crisis was/is VERY real...and put millions of people into threat of starvation. Food prices and other basic staples were out of reach for the 1.2 billion people living on less than $1 a day. Thankfully, it opened the eyes of many generous people, who decided to donate, even as their own families were having to cut back. But this is a problem we've got to fix. We've got to find a way to level the playing field so people aren't starving in this world. It's the 21st century, for crying out loud. People shouldn't starve.

3. Gas Prices. Gas prices are gonna go over $3/gallon. No wait...$ wait...$5! Holy cow! At one point, it cost me $62 to fill up my Jeep Wrangler. And since it only gets 14 miles per gallon, I spent a LOT of money on gas this summer.

Here's what really ticks me off: All of the sudden, gas drops to $1.50 again. What the heck just happened? Ask the experts--they don't even know! I actually heard one analyst on CNN say, "No one knows. We have no idea why gas is cheaper again." I do. It's called greed my friends...greed. Somebody got really rich this summer and it wasn't me.

2. The Housing Market. With a second baby on the way, my wife and I decided we needed to find a larger home. Our little house is startng to feel pretty cramped. Then the bubble burst. We couldn't have timed it worse.

If I had sold the house two years ago, I would've gotten $28,000 more than I can today. $28,000! That's a LOT of money...and THAT SUCKS! Needless to say, we've decided to ride out the storm a little longer...we'll just be bumping into each other a lot more.
1. The Stock Market. C'mon, this is a no-brainer! Almost everyone felt the hurt this year. Obviously, this was directly tied to other items mentioned on this list too (the housing market, the election, gas prices, etc.) If you retired in 2007 and relied on your stock to get along, you may have ended up going back to work in 2008. That is, if you could find a job. What a tough year. Thankfully, wise investors know that you have to ride out the tough times. But if you really needed your stock to do well in 2008, chances are you're hurtin' big time!
So there you have it. 2008 was not really a very good year.

2008: You Suck!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

#40: Pet Hair

"Let's get a puppy!"

Awww...little puppy breath...little puppy kisses. A playful little pup that wants to sit in your lap and take naps with you. Awwwww...


Yeah, it's cute til little puppy grows up. And starts shedding. And shedding. And shedding. And then decides to destroy your remote controls, eat furniture and shred your sofa. But I digress.

I hate pet hair. It's on my furniture. It clogs up the vacuum cleaner...but somehow still manages to cling to the carpet. It's on my clothes. I have to keep a lint roller in my desk at in my car...and two or three in the house.

Pet hair is magical. And not in a good way. I'm serious. I opened a can of tuna the other day. I swear one of my dog's hairs was already in there! It's frickin' everywhere! Yech!

Let's be honest: Pets can be wonderful. They can be great companions...and bring much joy. But, as is with most good things, there's always a downside. And this downside permeates, clings, coats and sticks to everything. Now, if you could package pet hair and sell it, that would be nice. I'd be frickin' rich! Too bad that hairless dogs look way too freaky.

Screw it. I'm gettin' a goldfish.

Pet Hair: You Suck!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

#39: Political Advertising

I probably don't have to write much about this one. You probably already get it. It's bad enough that we have to endure McCain calling Obama this...and Obama calling McCain that. But then you have your state candidates who add to the mix. And, what's worse, the terrible local, low-budget political ads.

Enough already!

You can't watch a single program...on any channel...without being bombarded with this crap.
Some are worthless. Some are just plain mudslinging. At least some are funny:

Let's be honest: Yeah, television advertising is a powerful medium. And yes, most voters are so stupid they'll believe anything you tell them on TV. "Obama's gonna raise your taxes!", "McCain is a George Bush clone!" I get it. I get that you have to attack the airwaves with ads to keep your name, agenda out front. But geez...have we pushed the limit this election or what?

Political Ads: You Suck!

I'm Hoover Maneuver and I approve this message.

Friday, October 24, 2008

#38: Smoking Restaurants

So, I was in Michigan this past week for a work-related project and went out to eat a couple of times while I was there.

Man, have I been spoiled in Colorado. I had forgotten how disgusting it is to go out to eat and be inundated with the stench of cigarette smoke. I had forgotten how it penetrates your clothes, your hair...and yes, even your food. Doesn't matter that the restaurants have a "non-smoking section." No one told that to the smoke. It wanders whereever it pleases. And, as it used to be in Colorado before we passed the smoke-free legislation, restaurants typically have the non-smoking section just a few feet away from the smoking section anyway. Why bother?

Let's be honest: You have a right to smoke. I have a right to clean air. At some point, our rights are going to conflict. And when they do, they should always lean in the direction of protection. As in protecting me from the hazardous filth that you're pouring out into the atmosphere.

I don't care what filth you put into your body. That's your decision. But it's also my decision what filth I put into MY body. And I shouldn't have to endure your cigarette smoke just because I want to go out to eat.

Michigan...get on the ball. It's time we stopped smoking in public places in every state.

Side Note: What's funny is how smokers think they can hide the stench with gum, perfume, whatever. You can't. Non-smokers can tell if you smoke within seconds of meeting you. I don't care if you haven't had a cigarette in hours. It's on you like skunk odor. And, I'm sure I'll offend some people by saying this, but girls who think they look sexy with a cigarette...yech! I've met women who have no idea how smoking is changing their faces. The wrinkles around the lips. The yellow teeth. The dark circles under the eyes. The crow's feet. The pronounced nasal labial folds. Absolute and total turn-off. Just my .02

Restaurants with "Smoking Sections": You Suck!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

#37: Tony Kornheiser

Up until now, I've not singled out any one person whom I think sucks. But today, one man seriously deserves the honor.

Tony Kornheiser, the "I don't know jack about football but I still get to be an announcer for Monday Night Football" guy on ESPN. When he's not offending hispanics, or trying desperately to earn brownie points by taking the obvious jabs against unpopular players, he's just trying too darn hard to be funny. And...he's not. Seriously not.

Kornheiser is just another in a list of failed attempts to bring humor to football. NBC tried to make Dennis Miller work on Monday Nights...and that was atrocious. Don't get me wrong, I love Dennis Miller's comedy. But I don't watch football so I can hear high-brow jokes with 5 syllable words while I'm drinking beer and eating hot wings. Miller and football...just didn't work.

At least Miller is funny. Kornheiser, on the other hand, is not. Far too often, he goes for the low-road...the obvious punchline. I'm told he's a well respected columnist. I don't know. I've never read his stuff. But judging from his horrible on-camera presence, his lack of off-the-cuff wit and his obvious and painful lack of knowledge of football, my guess is that being a newspaper columnist is probably where he belongs.

Let's be honest: I don't know a single football fan who ever said, "You know what's missing during the football game? Comedy." And there's a reason for that. Serious football fans take their games VERY seriously. Trust me on that one. I'm a Cowboys fan. When they lose, it affects my life. I'm not joking about that. I can get physically ill during a game. I don't want some schmuck rapping off one-liners to make me laugh. If I had a nickel for everytime I yelled "Shut up, Kornheiser!" during a game, I'd be a rich man. C'mon, us all a favor. Get rid of Kornheiser and let's focus on football.

Tony Kornheiser: You Suck.

Monday, September 8, 2008

#36: Political Polls

Monday morning headline:


By Monday afternoon:


Come on. Seriously?

Let's be honest:
Polls mean squat. They are filler...fodder to fill the airwaves when the media feels like they've got nothing else to say. (And let's be honest, do they ever really have anything to say?)

Think about this:
There are nearly 220 million people of voting age in this country. Of those eligible, only around 150 million actually register to vote. Think about that number for a second:

150,000,000 people registered to vote

And we're supposed to believe that the media knows who's winning the race by interviewing 3,000 of them? That's .0002 percent. Less than two millionths of a percent of the voters are questioned by these polls. And we're supposed to believe they really know who's in the lead?

During election season we are inundated with political ads, political pundits, debates, interviews, articles, blah blah blah. Can we just do away with the worthless polls? Can we just take one thing off that ridiculously long list of political crap we have to endure during this time of year?


Political Polls: You Suck

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

#35: Tena Adult Diaper Commercial

It's dinner time. My wife has made a lovely meatloaf. We sit at the dinner table, leaving the television on so we can listen to NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. We chat about how our day went between bites. Then, suddenly, our delicious dinner is interrupted by this commercial. I hate this commercial!

I know I've done a lot about commercials on this blog, but I just had to add this one to my list of things that suck. This is a commercial for an adult diaper. And the thing that's just disgusting about it is that this lady is just sitting in a car, wetting herself...and smiling. C'mon! Take a look:

Let's be honest: Incontinence is no laughing matter. There are 13 million people in our country who deal with it. I pray to God that I'll never have to wear one of those diapers! But my question is this: Do we really need this commercial? I mean, people who need these diapers--aren't they going to find 'em without the help of a commercial? I mean, if ya gotta're gonna find the diaper! Right? And who's the genius who decides to place this commercial at dinnertime? Can't we spare ourselves of these commercials, please?

Tena Adult Diaper Commercial: You Suck!

Friday, August 29, 2008

#34: Summer Colds

Three days. That's how long my wife and son battled their summer cold before my body finally succumbed. I thought I was in the clear. I thought that surely, after two days, if I didn't have it yet, I was going to avoid it.

Au contraire, mon ami.

I hate summer colds. They are the worst. They linger. The congestion. The pressure. The nose that won't stop running. The itchy, sore throat, the coughing, sneezing, aching.

What I hate most is not being able to sleep at night. And when I do finally fall asleep, I can only breathe through my mouth, so there's the snoring to contend with. And then you wake up with this awful taste in your mouth---did something crawl down my throat and die while I was sleeping? Yech!

And then there's the difficult decision: "Do I go to work or no?" If I call in sick, I better have a better excuse than a cold. It just sounds pathetic...wimpy.

"Oh, my lung collapsed"--now that's a legitimate excuse to call in sick! But a cold? C'mon! But then, if you DO go into work...just cough out loud once...and someone's bound to say it:

"What are you doing here? You're going to get us all sick!"
"Sorry. I was holding out to see if my lung would collapse."


Let's be honest: Everyone gets sick from time to time. And while I'm no germ freak, I certainly would prefer someone with a cold stay home. I'm not impressed by those people who say "I worked 20 years and never called in sick once." Yeah, many people did you infect everytime you came to work with a cold? Do us all a favor and stay least until you're past the contagious stage.

Summer Colds: You Suck.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

#33: People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones (When They're Supposed To)

I was at a conference a couple of weeks ago...and EVERY STINKING SESSION was interrupted by someone's obnoxious ringtone. What the...?

Here's one that really bothers me: I don't think I have been to a single church service in the past year that didn't include at least one cell phone ring. For crying out loud, Jesus wants you to turn your phone off!!!!

And probably 3 out of the last 5 movies I've been to have included someone receiving a call during the film. One time, a person flat out answered the phone and started having a conversation with the caller--during the movie! That's beyond rude.

Come on, people! Put your phone on vibrate for crying out loud. Or better yet, turn the darn thing off. You can live for two hours without a phone call. This may come as a shock to many of you, but before cell phones were invented, we all survived for hours at a time without talking or texting on the phone (insert old fart comment here.)

Phones in the movie theatre really piss me off. Ya know, it costs so much to go to a movie these days. Between inflated ticket prices and the ridiculous cost of popcorn, candy and drinks, it's expensive! Add to that the cost of a babysitter (if you need one) and you could easily drop $50 just to go see a movie. Ya know, I don't want to spend $50 to listen to you talk on the phone. I don't want to spend $50 to have the glow of your cell phone interrupting my movie-watching.

Let's be honest: Technology is great. We can communicate with pretty much anyone at anytime. But just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Have a little respect for others. Put your phone on vibrate. Then, if it rings during a church service, movie or conference session, you can walk out quietly and take your call. This isn't rocket science folks...this is common courtesy.

People Who Don't Turn Off Their Cell Phones When You're Supposed To: You Suck!

Friday, August 1, 2008

#32: Ticket Scalpers

So you want to go to a concert...or a sporting event. And you, like hundreds--maybe thousands of other people, do exactly what you're supposed to wait til the second tickets go on sale and either call TicketMaster or go to their website...only to find out that all the good seats are already taken.

What the &^%$#@!

To make matters worse, once you finally get your nose-bleed section tickets, you show up for the event, only to find out that some guy is in the parking lot, selling the EXACT SAME TICKETS you three times the price.

How did he get those tickets!?

Let's be honest: Everybody's out to make a buck. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But there has to be a way to keep scalpers from getting all the good tickets. TicketMaster has to be better about policing their own system. (Or else, another company needs to come in and take away TicketMaster's stranglehold on the industry.) When the same company or person is buying up dozens of tickets to every frickin' event in town, that should be a red flag. Hard working Joe Schmoe should have the right to see his favorite rock band, in a decent seat, without having to pay four day's wages to do so.

Maybe we need to go back to the old system...first-come, first-served. And no, you can't buy three dozen tickets either. Get in line, buy your tickets...and get back in line if you wanna buy more.

Ticket Scalpers: You Suck

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

#31: Loud TV Commercials


I'm sick and tired of having to ride the volume button between my favorite shows and the commercial breaks. Some networks/stations are worse than others. UPN is absolutely terrible about it. As is Comedy Central. Thank God for DVR' I can skip past the annoying attempts at TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING BY SHOUTING AT ME FOR 30 SECONDS STRAIGHT!

Monday night is one of my favorite television-watching nights. CBS has a string of great comedies: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and New Adventures of Old Christine. Good stuff...and perfect placement by the network. I'm usually in dire need of a few good laughs after a Monday at work!



Let's be honest: I know advertisers try to bump their audio up to get your attention. But this is frickin' 2008. Why don't we have a device that regulates audio coming into our television sets. (Do they still call them "sets"...geez, I'm a geezer.) And if you figure out how to make all the audio the same level--across the board--could someone please teach the people at iPod that too? It's impossible to get all of your songs to play at the same level on that device too. But I'm getting off-track here.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

#30: BlueTooth Headsets

So I'm in the airport at a restaurant a few days ago and, as I've been known to do, I do some "people watching." The airports are great for people watching. Funny, a lot of people say that, but I wonder if they ever want to be the one who's being watched. Anyway, my focus turns to this family sitting at a table near me. It's a mom, a dad and two kids--both girls. One of the girls tells her mom that she needs to "go potty." The wife turns to her husband and asks:

"Do you know where the restroom is?"

"I don't think it's necessary." He responds.

She, thinking he misunderstood the question, asks again.

"No honey, the bathroom. Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"No, no, no." He insisted. "We've been through all that. I still don't think it's necessary." Then he, realizing she was talking to him, says in a rather annoyed tone:

"Hold on a sec. What? I'm talking to someone here."

Then I notice, protruding out of his ear like some sort of robocop headgear attachment is one of those dreaded bluetooth contraptions. Ugh.

Let's be honest: New technology is great. In my lifetime I have seen a massive proliferation of new technology: the internet, the laptop computer, the cell phone, DVDs, plasma TVs...etc. But none of them has annoyed me more than those ridiculous little wireless earpieces. And I gotta tell you, I think they just plain look ridiculous.

I'm not saying they're absolutely worthless. I can understand using it while you're driving...or while trying to take notes during a conference call. But at the dinner table with your family? C'mon!

I bet you too, that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has worn one, has pretended to be talking to someone when they really aren't. Whether it's because they're trying to avoid someone, or trying to "look important", I gaurantee they've pretended to be on the other line with someone at some point.

Blue Tooth Headsets: You are pretentious...rude...and downright unattractive. And, oh yeah...You Suck.

Friday, July 11, 2008

#29: Large and Extra Large Spandex

Ewwwww. I mean...c'mon!

Why would ya do that to yourself?

Spandex was designed to show off your body. It hides nothing. It clings to you like an outer layer of skin. And if your real skin is textured like cottage cheese, guess what...that's what the Spandex is gonna show--cottage cheese!

I blame the manufacturers. They should not even be allowed to make Spandex outfits in any size other than small or medium. Write your congressman. Call your senator.

There must be a law to put an end to large!

Let's be honest: There's a reason you won't catch me sporting the latest Spandex unitard or leggings. Children would run and hide. Women would cry. It would not be good for anyone, trust me. Spandex should be worn by 1% of the population. That's it. If you don't have a beautifully toned body to begin with, do us all a favor--heck, do yourself a favor--stick to the sweats.

Large and Extra Large Spandex: You Suck!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

#28: Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic

So I' on my way to work this morning and traffic is worse than usual.


I'm glad you asked! Because in this 50 mph zone, a cop was at the head of traffic doing 45. So EVERYONE lined up behind him, in both lanes, afraid to pass.
What the *&^%$#@!?

And you just know the cops love it too. I can just hear 'em talking to each other on their radios:

"Hey Joe, check it out....I got like 40 cars behind me!"

Whatever. Cops who hold up traffic by driving under the speed limit suck. But the people who hold up traffic because they're afraid to pass a cop--they suck even more! Get over into the slow lane. I'll pass a cop. I have no problem with it. I've done it dozens of times. If a cop is doing 45mph in a 50mph zone, I'll pass 'em doing problem. If you don't have the balls to try the same, move over and make room for daddy!

Let's be honest: It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for cops. If they speed, people will complain. If they drive slower than the speed limit, people (like me) will complain. So do us all a favor the speed limit or get out of traffic altogether. Go hide behind your bushes with your radar guns so you can bust those hardened criminals--the speeders--and make money for your local government. And those of you who don't have the cajones to pass a cop. Get out of the way.

Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic (And those afraid to pass them): You Suck.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

#27: Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks

Why? Why? Oh Why does Hollywood like to screw up a good action flick? There's one formula that they keep cranking out and I just wish they'd drop it. The annoying sidekick in action flicks. Not every action flick mind you, but many.

For example, the worst sidekick EVER in an action flick, in my opinion, was Kate Capshaw, the chick in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I understand this was Steven Spielberg's wife. Ugh. What an atrocious actress. And what an absolutely annoying character. I love the Indiana Jones series, but this woman alone makes that movie hard to stomach.

A few other examples:

Jar Jar Binks. That character dumbed down the Star Wars franchise to an almost intolerable level. Meesa tinks da mooovee woulda been so much better without him. And I have to ask why? The Star Wars series has a timeless storyline...great action. And there's plenty of campy comedy relief in R2D2 and C3PO, among others. This was just an example of the movie-makers going too far for a laugh. Yech!

And what about that blonde chick in Under Seige? (Her name is Erika Eleniak. I would've posted a pic of her here, but it's hard to find one with her clothes on.) Granted, Steven Seagal is one of the worst actors ever...but this movie would've actually been pretty decent if it just focused on his character and left hers out. There were some cool explosions...decent fight scenes...and the storyline was actually interesting. Of course, they had to throw in a gratuitous boob shot to justify Eleniak's presence in the film. But it still wasn't enough to make her character likeable.

Let's be honest: There's a reason Hollywood produces formulaic movies. They sell. But not every sidekick is going to contribute to a movie. At some point, a director or producer needs to be able to say, "Let's focus on the action and get rid of the distraction." Imagine Rambo having to stop every once in awhile in the jungle because some chick sidekick broke a nail. Some action flicks don't need the help of a sidekick.

Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks: You Suck.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

#26: Door to Door Solicitors

Let's face it. At first it was cute. A little kid shows up at my door, trying to raise money for a class trip...and all I have to do is buy a couple of candy bars at a ridiculously over-inflated price. No problem. I love kids. I love chocolate. Everybody wins, right?

Wrong! Because now, it's just gotten out of hand. Almost every evening now, there's someone at my door, trying to sell me something. College students selling magazine subscriptions. Yard service crews asking if I want my lawn aerated. Neighborhood kids asking if I want them to mow my lawn. Students selling coupon books. Someone wanting to tell me about their religion.

Enough already! I'm about to put a "No Solicitors" sign on my door like my neighbor, Art. At first, I thought he was being a bit like an old curmudgeon, but now I'm starting to understand!

It seems like I just can't enjoy a nice evening at home, vegging in front of the television, or whatever without hearing the doorbell. I'll look through the peephole (which I bought from a door-to-door peephole salesman) and there she is, some college student with a hard luck story and something to sell.

And I wonder how many of these things are really scams. Are these students really trying to raise money for a mission trip to Mexico? Or are they just hoping to get my credit card information?

Let's be honest: Door to door sales can't be easy. You never know what's going to be on the other side of that door. Some people are rude. Others are just plain creepy. So why put yourself in that position? And how about you give us a break, so we can enjoy a quiet evening at home?

Door to Door Solicitors: You Suck.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

#25: Murder/Suicide

Please forgive. I'm going to go off on a rant today. Something has really been eating at me and I just have to put it down in words.

Is there anything more cowardly than killing someone before turning the gun on yourself?

This week, a man in our area killed his two sons...a 5-year old and a 2-year old. Then killed himself. I wish he had survived his suicide attempt, just so I could beat the *&^% out of him. What a coward. Who kills an innocent, defenseless child? Those poor boys. I am angry as hell about this. I've heard stories that people who commit crimes against children get treated pretty badly in prison. I hope hell is the same way. I hope there's a special place in hell where the torment is turned up a notch for someone who takes the life of a child.

I wonder where this phenomenon came from? Where did such selfishness originate...that a person could not see beyond their own circumstances and decide that death is better than life...for everyone involved?

Let's be honest: I know life can get hard. I know that you can get so desperate that you can't see a way out. But if you're at the end of your rope and the only way you can see out is death.... then so be it. But you have no right to make that decision for another person. Who knows what those boys would have grown up to be? Who knows what potential they had? You robbed them of all of that because of your own selfishness. And then, you cowardly took your own life to avoid the ramifications of your sin.

Murder/Suicides: You Suck.

Monday, June 23, 2008

#24: Spammers

Let me see if I've got this right. There's some loser out there, right now, whose job is to fill up my email inbox with crap I don't want?

I don't get it. I simply don't get why people send this junk email. Are people really ordering viagra and cialis through spam email? Are they really buying pills to enlarge certain organs through someone in the junk mail folder? From porn to dating sites to "medical wonders", I just don't see how any company gets business out of spamming people's email.

Maybe it's just for name awareness. Maybe they figure that if I see the words Viagra or Cialis enough times, I may actually go buy their product. Maybe if I see the message "Be the biggest guy in the locker room" enough, I'll start to doubt my own prowess and order some of their magical enhancement creme...or pill...or whatever it is.

And does anyone ever fall for the "you've won the Australian lottery" scam? Or the "I own a bank in Nigeria, I need a place to put $42,000,000. Can I have your bank account information?" C'mon!

Let's be honest: There are plenty of companies out there who do their business online. And I can appreciate that. But what's the deal with the spam? Seriously? More importantly, I want to know what kind of loser sits at a desk all day sending these emails out. How does he sleep at night? I think there ought to be a law that doesn't allow you to send email from an illegitimate email address. That way, we'd have real email addresses and millions of Americans can send emails back to them...all day long. It's only fair, right?

Spammers: You Suck.

Oh...and...companies that I do business with who give my email address to spammers: You Suck Too!

Monday, June 16, 2008

#23: Screwing Up At Work

Ugh. Rough week. I was sick all weekend and now, I come in to work to find out that I made a mistake that will cost my company something like $8,000.

I'm not sure what I was thinking (or, maybe I wasn't thinking at all.)

Let's be honest: Everyone makes mistakes. Some hurt more than others. And just because it's not my money, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I love the company I work for and they have entrusted me with a million dollar budget. I take that very seriously.

If I made a bad decision that cost my family thousands of dollars, we'd be in trouble. But Thankfully, my company is strong enough that it won't go under because of the decision, but that doesn't take any of the shame away. My boss has been pretty cool about it. I'll try to remember that when my son is old enough to drive and wrecks the car.

Screwing Up At Work: You Suck

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

#22: "Move To The Center" Announcements

So my wife and I decide we really wanna see the new Indiana Jones movie. After all, we've watched the first three a few times now. We're big fans!

We hire a babysitter for Friday night. Buy the tickets early online...and arrive at the theatre an hour early, knowing there's going to be a line. And there was, but our early arrival paid off. We got the exact seats we wanted: On the front row of the middle section, there are three seats that have extra leg room...and a footrest. They're just a few seats left of center. Perfect!

So we're sitting there, watching the silly trivia screens go by over and over again, listening to crappy music of independent artists we've never heard of being piped through the speakers. And the theatre is starting to fill up. Within 30 minutes, the place is pretty packed. And, just 5 minutes left til start time, a crowd of people come in. They're looking around, pointing, making disgusted looks on their faces like "I can't believe our favorite seats are taken!" Then, inevitably, one of them points to the very front row:

"There are seats over there."

"No, I don't wanna sit that close" the other says. So they stare back at the crowd for a few more seconds, scouring for two empty seats next to each other.

Hello! It's a summer blockbuster. Who shows up at 5 minutes til and thinks they're going to get the perfect seats? Then the pimply faced kid who sells popcorn behind the counter comes to the front of the auditorium.

"Excuse me everyone. This is a sold out show. So I'm going to ask you to move to the center of your aisle, to make room for those just coming in."

"What? Hell no! I got here an hourly early so I could choose which seat I want! I'm not moving because Johnny come lately just showed up and wants his aisle seat! Screw that! I'm paying $30 for a babysitter, $18 for two tickets, $12 for popcorn and drinks. For $60, guess what...I get to choose the seat I want!"

Let's be honest:
I know there are all kinds of reasons people show up late. fussing over what to wear...husband forgot the tickets and had to go back in to look for them. But the truth is that if you can't get there early, then you gotta live with the seats that are available.

"Move to the Center" announcements: You Suck.

Monday, June 2, 2008

#21: Summer Road Construction

Summer is practically here. I love the warm, sunny days. I can take the top down on the Jeep and leave it down for days, maybe even weeks. So nice!

But...(as with all good things, there's always a but) the thing I hate most about summer is the road construction. Just when it's the time of year for you to get out and enjoy a nice drive, there's construction everywhere to keep you from being able to open 'er up and enjoy a nice cruise. Ugh.

The thing that sucks most about road construction is how long the projects take. They last months...sometimes even years. Maybe that's because everytime I drive past a construction zone there are just as many people standing around as there are working.

I took this picture of a road crew in Guatemala when I was there a few weeks ago. Notice how all of the men are working? It's not like three guys doing all the work while three or four others "supervise." I think our construction crews in the US could learn a thing or two from these guys. The sad part is that these guys in Guatemala make around $70 a month. That's hard work for such little pay.

Another thing that sucks about road construction is the planning. Roads are at capacity, so the brilliant decision-makers decide to spend millions of dollars to add one lane. Yeah...ONE lane. Guess what happens next year? The same road is at capacity again... and they need to add another lane. More construction. More traffic delays. Why not just add two or three lanes the first time? Why do we have to go through this process every other year?

And tell me, for crying out loud, why we haven't come up with a better material for roads yet? Why is it we're still making roads out of something that has to be replaced and repaired every year? Seriously? It's 2008. Shouldn't we be past that yet?

Let's be honest: I know road construction is necessary. I know a lot of people rely on those jobs. But can't we make better decisions? Can't we come up with a better solution?

Summer Road Construction: You Suck.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

#20: Gas Pump Interrogations

It's bad enough that I have to pay an ungodly amount for a gallon of gas these days, but do I really have to be interrogated too?

Here's what I'm talking about:

I'm on my way to a meeting the other day, when I notice that my gas gauge is reading below "E." In a Jeep Wrangler, that means "get gas now!" I don't want to be late for my meeting, but I have to stop. So I pull into the gas station, hop out and quickly insert my card into the designated slot. I pull it out quickly because the digital display screen tells me I'm supposed to. What? If I leave it in there longer, what happens?

You'd think now, at this point, I could just lift the nozzle and put gas into my car. Oh no! Now I have to now answer a series of questions:

QUESTION #1: Credit or debit? What? We still don't have computers that can tell the difference? Seriously. Isn't there something in the code for the card that tells the machine whether it's a debit or credit card? Mine is a debit card, but I push "credit" anyway, just to confuse the genius computer.

QUESTION #2: What is your zip code? What the hell do you care? So you can tell investors that people are traveling 20 miles just to buy your gas? Well guess what? I'm buying your gas because it happens to be the closest station to where I'm at when I need gas. Why the hell would I travel farther, burning up gas, just to buy more? You don't need to know where I live, for crying out loud! Reluctantly, I enter my zip code.

QUESTION #3: Would you like a car wash today? How about this, about if I want a car wash...I'LL TELL YOU! Can I just have some gas already? I press "no." But now there's a little more pressure on the button because I'm just about pissed. All I want is some frickin' gas!

QUESTION #4: Would you like a receipt? Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Would you like a swift kick in the...?" Yeah, I'm yelling at a machine at this point. "JUST GIVE ME MY GAS!"

Let's be honest: I understand the importance of market research. But asking me my zip code isn't going to tell you why I'm buying your gas. It's just going to tell you which part of what city I live in. How does that help you at all? And why make the consumer jump through all these hoops. I want to stick my credit card in the slot, lift the nozzle and pour gas. That's it. If I want a car wash, I'll tell you. If I want a receipt, I'll tell you. Quit interrogating me everytime I have to stop and buy gas. It's a painful enough experience now, knowing that I'm paying twice as much as I should, so oil companies can boast record profits. Just let me fill my tank in peace.

Gas Pump Interrogations: You Suck.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I've Been Tagged!

Ordinarily, I would put these kinds of things on my Things That Suck list, but since Monique has been such a good sport on my blog, I will oblige.

1) What was I doing 10 years ago? Well, believe it or not, 10 years ago I was actually a television news anchor. I co-hosted a two-hour morning program on the ABC affiliate in Colorado Springs, CO. Talk about things that suck: I woke up every morning at 1 o'clock...had to be at work by 2:00am. The show went on at 7:00 and lasted til 9:00. Then I would work on stories/special reports/series...whatever...for the rest of the day. Usually, I'd get home around 2pm. Long days. Short pay. But I actually enjoyed the job--for the most part.

2) 5 things on my to do list for today. Well, today I'm hosting an event in Old Colorado City. It's a Wild West Shootout. Yep. I'm really not much of a "cowboy" though I grew up in south Texas. But I've been hosting this event for six years now...and it's a blast. People travel from all over the country to take part in the Quick Draw competition. They use real guns...with blanks. The blanks are strong enough to burst a balloon at six feet away, so the shooters square off and everything's set to a timer. When the light goes on, they draw and shoot. A digital timer tells who popped their balloon first. Seriously, I've seen shooters pop their balloon in .65 seconds. Amazing these guys. So...that's one thing. The other things on my list are to spend time with my 14-month old son. I've got to put some edging in my backyard. And I might do some grilling too. Mmmmm. Mmmmm.

3) Snacks I enjoy. Anything unhealthy! Ha! My favorite food in the world is french fries. I also like potato chips...nachos and popcorn. I'm not much of a fruit eater. Though I do like an occasional pear, apple or banana. Oh...and I'm addicted to dark chocolate. 70% cocoa is the best!

4) Things I would do if I were a Billionaire. Pay off debt. We've been actually really good about cutting down our debt over the past five years. One credit card left to go. Would be nice to be out from under it! Then, I'd buy our dream home in the mountains in Colorado. Nothing ridiculous...just a good sized log home with a scenic view...and a stream so I could go fly fishing anytime I want. I already travel the world a lot, but there are some places I've never been that I'd like to visit: Ireland, Australia and Egypt.

5) Places I have lived.Three Rivers, TX. Pettus, TX. Brownwood, TX. Redlands, CA. Waco, TX. Chattanooga, TN. Colorado Springs, CO.

6) Blogger's I want to know about. Hmmm...I haven't really met that many bloggers yet. Monique would've been on my list, but since she's the one who passed this around, I can't send it back to her. So I'd have to choose jamjarsuperstar...who has posted comments on several of my blogs.

Friday, May 23, 2008

#19: Banner Ads on TV

So I'm watching one of my favorite TV shows the other night, when all of the sudden this image of a ball of fire bursts into the bottom right corner. Then, through the fire comes barrelling a sports car, spinning out and cutting donuts across the bottom third of the screen.

"What the...?"

Then up pops the text telling me that this is a promo for some movie that's coming up next. Are you kidding me? I already have to deal with commercial breaks when I watch my program, but now I have to deal with commercials IN the program? C'mon! These things are terribly distracting. By the time the stupid explosions and spinouts were done, I realized I missed what the actors were saying.

"What? What did I miss? What did he say?" UGH!

Let's be honest: I know advertising is how the networks make their money. And it's only a matter of time before we see these banner ads promoting products and not just other programs. Imagine, you're watching the season finale of LOST, when all of the sudden jungle leaves show up on the bottom of the screen...and they start to spread apart to show the new 4-door Jeep Wrangler tearing it up across the grassy hillsides. The text reads: "Jack could get across the island a lot quicker with a new Jeep Wrangler Unlimited" Starting at $21,600. As shown: $31,250. Ha! (Maybe I should go into advertising, no?)
Seriously...Commercial breaks are already ridiculously long. We don't need the added distractions to our shows. Take 'em away!

Banner Ads on TV: You Suck.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

#18: Drive-Thru Tip Jars

This "Thing That Sucks" is brought to you by Monique. Thanks for the idea, Monique! It just so happens I have a story to go with this idea:

So this past Saturday I was at Sonic. I pull up to the drive-thru...there's one car in front of me. That person places their order and drives up to the window. So, I inch up to the speaker.



"Hello?" I ask. Not rudely...just wondering if they know I'm here.

"Hold just a minute please sir." This young boy's voice says.

So I hold. And I hold. And I hold. Three minutes go by. The car in front of me has now left with it's order. There are now four cars behind me. And I still haven't placed my order yet.

"Hello?" I ask again. Perhaps not as politely as the time before.

After a few seconds pause. "Just one more minute please sir."

I look around. It's not like the restaurant is packed. There are maybe four other cars in all of the stalls. By now, the lady behind me is trying to find a way to get out of the line. She's tired of waiting.

Finally, the voice comes back.

"How can I help you today?" (Hmmm...what a loaded question. You could start by not making me wait 5 minutes to place my order you little *&^%$#!) But I refrain.

"Two Ocean Water Slushes please."

"I'm sorry. Our slush machine isn't working today."


"Okay, then two large Ocean Waters please."

"Please pull up to the window." I do and there's the kid who looks no more than 14 years old. I don't know if it's his first day on the job or what, but he's struggling just to figure out how to fill two cups with ice, Sprite and coconut flavoring. Meanwhile, there's three other workers inside. Guess what they're doing? Eating. That's right. It's lunch break for the Sonic crew while Einstein here tries to manage the window by himself.

As I get ready to leave, I notice a tip jar sitting outside the window. You're kidding, right?

Here's your tip: Quit your dayjob.

Let's be honest: It's difficult enough to get a teenage boy to think about anyone other than himself and girls. But it's not like these are the most difficult jobs in the world either. You take the order, you fill the order. You take the money, you make change. And now, I'm supposed to tip you too? Whatever!

Drive-Thru Tip Jars: You Suck.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

#17: Being Ugly

I'll admit it. I'm ugly. Not hideous or anything.
Terribly plain perhaps. If I were a dog, my master would
shave my butt and make me walk backwards. (Okay, it's an old adage, but you get the picture.)

It's taken a lot of time, but I'm learning to come to grips with being ugly. It's not easy...especially in a world that treats pretty people so differently. And I have a problem with that. I mean, it's not like they did anything to be beautiful. Either you're born with it...or you're not. Sure, you can get your teeth straightened and can get $400 haircuts that "accentuate your features", wear designer fashions, but all of that is worthless if you've got nothing to work with. And don't tell me that plastic surgery can make you beautiful. It can't. Perhaps it can improve on some things, but man is not capable of making an ugly woman beautiful with nothing more than a knife, a laser or some injections.

And let me add, I almost NEVER use the word "beautiful" to describe a person's looks anyway. Simply because I think someone has to be pretty remarkable to be considered "beautiful." Probably less than one half of 1% of the world is "beautiful" my humble opinion.

So why then do we treat the beautiful people so differently? If 99.5% of us are not beautiful, why don't we consider the "beautiful people" the oddballs? I say, "Ugly people unite!" It's time we took control of the magazine covers, TV shows and billboards! It's time ugly became the new "beautiful!" Ha!

Let's be honest: Yeah, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It used to be that the standard for beauty was different, depending on where you are in the world. But more and more, the world has adopted the "western" idea of beauty. If you're beautiful in Sri Lanka, you're beautiful in Iowa, etc. But it's silly that we, as a culture, give privileges to the beautiful that the vast majority of the world doesn't have access to. And it's a shame that we ugly people are denied certain privileges, even courtesies, just because we've got "bad genes." C'mon. How shallow is that?

Being ugly: You Suck.

Monday, May 12, 2008

#16: Bad Drivers

As I've said in an earlier post, I rarely like driving. Partly because of road construction, stop lights and speed traps. But mostly it's because there are a lot of idiots out there. Bad drivers suck.

There are all kinds of bad drivers. Here's a list of some of my biggest peeves that people do when they get behind the wheel:

  • Drive slow in the fast lane. If another driver has to pass you on the right, you're holding up traffic. Move over already.

  • Riding your brakes through a green light..."just in case it turns yellow." Ugh. This pisses me off to no end. But so many people do it. I will never understand it. If the light's green...GO!

  • Not paying attention when you're at a stoplight. Listen, if you are the first car in line, it's your responsibility to watch the light. I shouldn't have to honk my horn to tell you that it's green.

  • Shaving or putting on your makeup while driving. Seriously? Listen, spend 5 more minutes at home and get your makeup and shaving done. And trust me, the lighting in your car is nowhere as good as it is in your bathroom mirror. When you put your makeup on in your car--it shows. And not in a good way.

  • Trying to talk on your cell phone while driving. Most people don't realize this, but the second they pick up their cell phone, their foot goes on the brake. People slow down or even ride their brakes while talking on the phone. Trust can't do it. You're not a good enough driver. Stop trying to talk on the phone.
  • And even worse, texting and driving. This should be illegal. My wife was just involved in a car wreck last week, when a girl rear-ended her because she was texting and not paying attention to the traffic in front of her.

  • Tailgating. (Now, first let me say that if I'm holding you up in the fast lane, then maybe I deserve to be tailgated. But if I'm in the slow lane, minding my own business...get off my ass!) The right lane is for people who want to drive slower. You should know that. You have no right to harass them. But if you're going to tailgate, be prepared to eventually meet someone's bumper. And it is ALWAYS your fault when you rear-end someone.
  • Riding with your dog (or cat) in your lap. Are you kidding me? What...there aren't enough distractions on the road that you need to worry about whether Fido is going to try to lick you in the face while you're doing 70mph? Get your *&^%$# mutt in the back seat already! Or better yet, leave pets at home.

  • Staying in my blind spot. Either pass me...or drop farther back so I can see you in my side mirror. But riding along side my back tire is unsafe for both of us.
  • Talking and driving. Not everyone is bad at this, but some are. My wife is a good example. She can't talk to you without wanting to use hand gestures and make eye contact. So, the second she starts talking, the foot lets up off the gas. If it's a long sentence, we're coasting!
Let's be honest: We're all bad drivers to some extent. Something you do in the car is likely to annoy the hell out of me. And something I do is surely going to drive you crazy. So, as far as that's concerned, I guess we all suck. But these are some basic things that we can all be better about. Driving can be dangerous. Why add any more tension to it?

Bad Drivers: You Suck.

Friday, May 2, 2008

#15: Global Poverty

I took this picture outside of Kisumu, Kenya in August of 2007. It was made of mud and sticks. Scraps of tin were used for the roof. A single mother lived in this home with her four kids.

The entire home was 14 x 10. Four children and one adult living in a 140 square foot home. A couple of sheets were used to create a "wall" to separate the bedroom from the rest of the house.

As I visited with this family, the mother offered me a cup of hot tea. It must've been 100 degrees that day. But they love their hot tea in Kenya! It's probably best too...because the water is so unsafe that they have to boil it to make it drinkable.
As the mother poured me a cup of hot tea, she poured four more smaller cups. One for each child. She reached into a bag of sliced bread and handed out one piece of bread to each child. That was dinner for the family. One slice of cup of hot tea.

Global poverty sucks. And we in America need to think about what we can do to change that. Why us? Well, maybe it's because:
  • In America, we consume 24% of the world's energy. But we only make up 5% of the world's population.
  • Americans eat 815 billion calories of food each day. That's roughly 200 billion more than needed. Those extra 200 billion calories are enough to feed another 80 million people.
  • Americans toss out 200,000 tons of edible food every single day.
  • More than half the people in the world survive on 25 gallons of water per day. The average American consumes 159 gallons a day.

I'm not blaming America for global poverty. There are corrupt governments to blame. There are natural elements like drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis to blame. There's greed. That's such an ugly word. Greed. Few people consider themselves greedy. But if we look at our own lifestyles with an honest pair of eyes, I wonder how much greed we'd really see. I'm ashamed to say that I stink of greed. It permeates me.

Let's be honest: It's hard to change your ways. After a lifetime of leaving the water on while you're brushing your teeth...or taking nice, long, hot showers, or tossing out the bread that's not as soft and moist or the fruit that's not quite as ripe. It's hard. But sometimes we have to do the hard things in order to right the wrongs.

Global poverty: You Suck.

#14: Getting Old

Let's face it. Getting old sucks. In a society--nay, a world--where practically everything is focused on youth, being the old fart in the room is no fun. Yeah, "old" is a relative term. A 14-year old might say anyone over 30 is "old." (Ack!) You might think "old" doesn't happen til you're 80. But one thing's for sure, as you get older, things start to change. And it ain't no fun!

First, there's the sag factor. Oh the sag! Your skin heads south for the Winter of your life and Spring never comes back around. Before you know it, your flaps have flaps! (I wonder: If we spend half of our lives upside down, would the sag factor balance out?)

And another thing that sucks about getting old: Hair. Either hair you dearly want to hold onto is disappearing...or hair you never invited is showing up like unwanted cousins during the holidays. I think Billy Crystal said it best, in City Slickers, when he said:

"Do you know what I found yesterday? Hair in my ear.
I'm losing hair where I want hair and
getting hair where there shouldn't be hair.
I found four big fat ones on my back;
I'm starting to look like the fly."

Hairy ears. Nose hairs that look like witches brooms growing from your nostrils...and the eyebrows. What's up with the eyebrows? One day you have normal eyebrows, the next you've got these wild, wiry projectiles protruding from your forehead like some kind of sagebrush on steroids. Andy Rooney, Mark Twain and a rockhopper penguin all rolled into one! Yech!

Let's be honest: Everyone ages. Some more gracefully than others. And we've gotten pretty pathetic in our attempts to tell ourselves that we're not getting old, with sayings like, "30 is the new 20", "40 is the new 30" and "50 is the new 40." Whatever! 30 is 30. 40 is 40. 50 is 50. We're all getting old! Now...where is that age-defying skin cream when I need it?

Getting old: You Suck.