Friday, May 2, 2008

#14: Getting Old

Let's face it. Getting old sucks. In a society--nay, a world--where practically everything is focused on youth, being the old fart in the room is no fun. Yeah, "old" is a relative term. A 14-year old might say anyone over 30 is "old." (Ack!) You might think "old" doesn't happen til you're 80. But one thing's for sure, as you get older, things start to change. And it ain't no fun!

First, there's the sag factor. Oh the sag! Your skin heads south for the Winter of your life and Spring never comes back around. Before you know it, your flaps have flaps! (I wonder: If we spend half of our lives upside down, would the sag factor balance out?)

And another thing that sucks about getting old: Hair. Either hair you dearly want to hold onto is disappearing...or hair you never invited is showing up like unwanted cousins during the holidays. I think Billy Crystal said it best, in City Slickers, when he said:

"Do you know what I found yesterday? Hair in my ear.
I'm losing hair where I want hair and
getting hair where there shouldn't be hair.
I found four big fat ones on my back;
I'm starting to look like the fly."

Hairy ears. Nose hairs that look like witches brooms growing from your nostrils...and the eyebrows. What's up with the eyebrows? One day you have normal eyebrows, the next you've got these wild, wiry projectiles protruding from your forehead like some kind of sagebrush on steroids. Andy Rooney, Mark Twain and a rockhopper penguin all rolled into one! Yech!

Let's be honest: Everyone ages. Some more gracefully than others. And we've gotten pretty pathetic in our attempts to tell ourselves that we're not getting old, with sayings like, "30 is the new 20", "40 is the new 30" and "50 is the new 40." Whatever! 30 is 30. 40 is 40. 50 is 50. We're all getting old! Now...where is that age-defying skin cream when I need it?

Getting old: You Suck.

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