Monday, December 14, 2009

#47: The iPhone

Yep, you read it right. The iPhone sucks.

But please allow me to qualify my statement. The iPhone is a brilliant piece of technology--allowing users the ability to surf the web, find restaurants, play games, watch movies, listen to music--all sorts of things. It is, in my opinion, the most incredible technological device to be invented in the past decade.

But...(and yes, there's always a but)

Unfortunately, the iPhone tries to be a cell phone too. And THAT'S where it sucks. The sound quality is seriously poor. Cell phones 8 years ago had better sound quality in the earpiece. But here's where the iPhone really bites: the coverage that comes with AT&T is horrendous. My drive to work is 14 miles. That's it, 14 miles. There are THREE DROP ZONES between my house and my office. THREE!

3G. Ha! More like 2C. As in 2 Cans with string would work better.

Verizon, in their brilliance, realized this and created a very smart ad campaign, comparing their coverage map with AT&T's. They are night and day:

Their best commercial is this one, "The Island of Misfit Toys."

AT&T, in their pathetic attempt to counter, hired actor Luke Wilson (who?) and strung together a few flimsy arguments as to why AT&T is better. Listen to these lame arguments that AT&T gives:

  • We have the most popular phones. (No, you have the most popular handheld computer. And seriously? That's your argument? "Ours is more popular!" Puhleez.)
  • We have the world's fastest 3G network. (Yes, it's quick. And it's also quick to drop calls.)
  • You can surf the web and talk on the phone at the same time. (What good is that if the call keeps dropping?)

Winner: Verizon.

Let's be honest: If the iPhone had only aspired to be the greatest handheld computer, it wins hands-down. But unfortunately, iPhone tried to be a cell phone too. And there are just too many better cell phones out there. And there's definitely better service providers than AT&T. AT&T sucks, and because of that:

iPhone: You Suck

Monday, November 23, 2009

#46: AutoTune

At first it was cute. Then, overnight, everyone was doing it. That ridiculous auto tune effect on hip hop and pop vocals that makes the singer sound like a cross between Alvin the Chipmunk and Mr. Roboto.

This is yet another example why the music industry is killing itself. It's bad enough that every song from our latest pop tart offerings sounds (and looks) the same, but now their vocals all sound the same too. You've gone too far, music industry. You took what could have been a unique sound and buried us in it. Now, it's impossible to turn on the radio without hearing this crap.

And I don't understand why any artist would do it anyway. It completely takes away an artists' identity. Is that Jamie Foxx? Or Kanye? Or Lil' Wayne? Is that Cher or Hannah Montanah? Who the hell knows anymore? It's ridiculous. I love how Jimmy Fallon made fun of auto-tune on the Emmy's:

Let's be honest: There used to be a day when singers...oh, I don't know...sang! With the saturation of auto-tune I can't tell if he/she can sing or not. And what's worse, consumers are buying this crap. There also used to be a day when music consumers actually cared about the talent of the artist. But nowadays, it seems music buyers download whatever the radio has to offer, without question. And what they're crap. I can only hope that this fad will die a quick and painful death so we can start hearing singers sing once again.

Auto-tune: You Suck!

Friday, June 19, 2009

#45: No WiFi

Someone help me, please. This is 2009 right? As in the 21st Century, correct? So why...tell me it that there are so many frickin' businesses that don't offer wifi?
Hell, every restaurant, airport, coffee house and retail outlet should have wifi these days. No, screw that. Entire cities should offer free wifi for travelers roaming through town. If I'm visiting Denver and I don't know the area, it sure would be nice to be able to look up online, while I'm in the car, to see where the nearest movie theatre or chain restaurant is.

I don't have a cell phone that gets internet service everywhere I go. I'd like to, but I just don't. I do have an iPod Touch though. And I love it. Except I have to find a wireless service/signal everytime I go somewhere. I'm amazed at the lack of places that offer it.

And you know what else. The frickin' internet should be free, for crying out loud. Why the hell is it that the Colorado Springs, Colorado airport offers free internet service, but 45 miles to the north, the only way to get it at Denver International Airport is to pay $8 for a day pass or subscribe to a monthly service through Boingo or something like that? That's ridiculous. The internet should be free. And quite honestly, I'm surprised more retailers and business owners don't push for the internet to be free. It's in their best interest. Online shopping is growing by leaps and bounds. I wonder how much more it would grow if we could get access anywhere at anytime.

Let's be honest: I don't blame people for making a buck by providing online service. But their time has come...and gone. It's time for the internet to be free. And it's time for your local coffee shop, airport, bookstore, restaurant, etc. to offer it in their establishments.
No WiFi: You Suck.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

#44: Plastic Surgery

When will this fad end? Is there anything more hideous than these women (and some men too) who just don't know when to quit with the plastic surgery? Seriously?

Joan Rivers does not even look human anymore. Enough already! If she has one more facelift, she's going to have a goatee! (Think about it.)

Remember the Tim Burton Batman movie with Jack Nicholson as the joker? Tell me that Joan doesn't look like the one freakish blonde that the Joker created in that movie. Joan, it's bad enough that you're annoying as hell--but you can't afford to be hideous too.

And what's worse, her daughter, Melissa Rivers--who was so cute--seriously, she was an absolute cutie when she was young--has now followed in her mother's footsteps and destroyed her face.

What is Hollywood's obsession with this crap? It's bad enough that we have to watch these aging stars do ungodly things to their bodies and faces, but now there are even television shows that are all about plastic surgery. Dr. 90210 and Nip and Tuck are hugely successful shows. Personally, I think it's because the rest of us (you know, the ones with wrinkles and...more than one facial expression) love to watch beautiful people or famous people suffer. Ha!
I just don't understand the desire to have that crap put into your lips...the eyes stretched beyond belief and chins and noses done. And apparently it's addictive because these people don't know when to stop!

Let's be honest: We all age. Some of us not as gracefully as others. I hate the way my face is moving south for the winter of my life. I hate the "spare tire" that I've gained from eating unhealthily all these years. But it's part of life! You get older! And going under the knife is not fooling anyone. You don't look younger, you just look...freakish. Inhuman. And for crying out loud, know when to say "when."

Plastic Surgery: You Suck.

Monday, March 16, 2009

#42: Lip-Syncing

Okay, I'm old enough to remember what a scandal it was when Milli Vanilli tried to pull off the lip-sync scam. They became a laughing stock. It ruined their (pseudo) careers.

Girl, you know it's true.

So tell me why has it now become acceptable--if not "fashionable" to lip synch? So many pop artists are blatantly syncing to their songs when "performing live." And hardly a shoulder is shrugged.
Jennifer Hudson's powerful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the SuperBowl...lip-sync. Rather than calling it a controversy, some "journalists" dared call it a "non-troversy." "People expect it these days", they say. WHAT???

EVEN SPRINGSTEEN'S BAND faked it at the SuperBowl. (Although he apparently really sang--but the band wasn't really playing.)

Go see Britney Spears''s anything BUT live. In fact, reports say that her entire performance for her new Circus Tour is lip-synced. (But then again, when you start off with no talent, lip-syncing is a logical progression.)

What the...?

Does expecting someone to sing live in a concert make me a old fuddy duddy?

Let's be honest: I know fans expect amazing shows from artists these days. And they should--considering what ticket prices run. And I know that it's tough to run all over stage and dance and sing at the same time. I do. But I'd rather you didn't have 8 costume changes and grind your hips on every dancer on stage, if you could just sing the song!

But that's the problem. So many arists CAN'T sing the songs. In the studio, they autotune their vocal tracks til they hardly sound human anymore. And when it comes time to perform live, there's no way they can recreate it.

It's time we got back to artists performing live...really live. I don't care if you miss a note or two, I really don't. Just sing. And if you can't sing, then stop touting yourself as a vocalist. Go be a dancer or something. Seriously.

Lip Syning: You Suck!