#31: Loud TV Commercials

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH TV COMMERCIALS BEING SO LOUD?

I'm sick and tired of having to ride the volume button between my favorite shows and the commercial breaks. Some networks/stations are worse than others. UPN is absolutely terrible about it. As is Comedy Central. Thank God for DVR's...now I can skip past the annoying attempts at TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING BY SHOUTING AT ME FOR 30 SECONDS STRAIGHT!

Monday night is one of my favorite television-watching nights. CBS has a string of great comedies: Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men and New Adventures of Old Christine. Good stuff...and perfect placement by the network. I'm usually in dire need of a few good laughs after a Monday at work!

BUT THEN COME THE COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

HOLY COW!

Let's be honest: I know advertisers try to bump their audio up to get your attention. But this is frickin' 2008. Why don't we have a device that regulates audio coming into our television sets. (Do they still call them "sets"...geez, I'm a geezer.) And if you figure out how to make all the audio the same level--across the board--could someone please teach the people at iPod that too? It's impossible to get all of your songs to play at the same level on that device too. But I'm getting off-track here.

LOUD TV COMMERCIALS: YOU SUCK!

#30: BlueTooth Headsets

So I'm in the airport at a restaurant a few days ago and, as I've been known to do, I do some "people watching." The airports are great for people watching. Funny, a lot of people say that, but I wonder if they ever want to be the one who's being watched. Anyway, my focus turns to this family sitting at a table near me. It's a mom, a dad and two kids--both girls. One of the girls tells her mom that she needs to "go potty." The wife turns to her husband and asks:

"Do you know where the restroom is?"

"I don't think it's necessary." He responds.

She, thinking he misunderstood the question, asks again.

"No honey, the bathroom. Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"No, no, no." He insisted. "We've been through all that. I still don't think it's necessary." Then he, realizing she was talking to him, says in a rather annoyed tone:

"Hold on a sec. What? I'm talking to someone here."

Then I notice, protruding out of his ear like some sort of robocop headgear attachment is one of those dreaded bluetooth contraptions. Ugh.

Let's be honest: New technology is great. In my lifetime I have seen a massive proliferation of new technology: the internet, the laptop computer, the cell phone, DVDs, plasma TVs...etc. But none of them has annoyed me more than those ridiculous little wireless earpieces. And I gotta tell you, I think they just plain look ridiculous.

I'm not saying they're absolutely worthless. I can understand using it while you're driving...or while trying to take notes during a conference call. But at the dinner table with your family? C'mon!

I bet you too, that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has worn one, has pretended to be talking to someone when they really aren't. Whether it's because they're trying to avoid someone, or trying to "look important", I gaurantee they've pretended to be on the other line with someone at some point.

Blue Tooth Headsets: You are pretentious...rude...and downright unattractive. And, oh yeah...You Suck.

#29: Large and Extra Large Spandex

Ewwwww. I mean...c'mon!

Why would ya do that to yourself?

Spandex was designed to show off your body. It hides nothing. It clings to you like an outer layer of skin. And if your real skin is textured like cottage cheese, guess what...that's what the Spandex is gonna show--cottage cheese!

I blame the manufacturers. They should not even be allowed to make Spandex outfits in any size other than small or medium. Write your congressman. Call your senator.

There must be a law to put an end to large spandex...now!

Let's be honest: There's a reason you won't catch me sporting the latest Spandex unitard or leggings. Children would run and hide. Women would cry. It would not be good for anyone, trust me. Spandex should be worn by 1% of the population. That's it. If you don't have a beautifully toned body to begin with, do us all a favor--heck, do yourself a favor--stick to the sweats.

Large and Extra Large Spandex: You Suck!

#28: Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic

So I' on my way to work this morning and traffic is worse than usual.

Why?

I'm glad you asked! Because in this 50 mph zone, a cop was at the head of traffic doing 45. So EVERYONE lined up behind him, in both lanes, afraid to pass.
What the *&^%$#@!?

And you just know the cops love it too. I can just hear 'em talking to each other on their radios:

"Hey Joe, check it out....I got like 40 cars behind me!"

Whatever. Cops who hold up traffic by driving under the speed limit suck. But the people who hold up traffic because they're afraid to pass a cop--they suck even more! Get over into the slow lane. I'll pass a cop. I have no problem with it. I've done it dozens of times. If a cop is doing 45mph in a 50mph zone, I'll pass 'em doing 52...no problem. If you don't have the balls to try the same, move over and make room for daddy!

Let's be honest: It's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for cops. If they speed, people will complain. If they drive slower than the speed limit, people (like me) will complain. So do us all a favor coppers...drive the speed limit or get out of traffic altogether. Go hide behind your bushes with your radar guns so you can bust those hardened criminals--the speeders--and make money for your local government. And those of you who don't have the cajones to pass a cop. Get out of the way.

Cops Who Drive Slow In Traffic (And those afraid to pass them): You Suck.

#27: Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks

Why? Why? Oh Why does Hollywood like to screw up a good action flick? There's one formula that they keep cranking out and I just wish they'd drop it. The annoying sidekick in action flicks. Not every action flick mind you, but many.

For example, the worst sidekick EVER in an action flick, in my opinion, was Kate Capshaw, the chick in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I understand this was Steven Spielberg's wife. Ugh. What an atrocious actress. And what an absolutely annoying character. I love the Indiana Jones series, but this woman alone makes that movie hard to stomach.

A few other examples:

Jar Jar Binks. That character dumbed down the Star Wars franchise to an almost intolerable level. Meesa tinks da mooovee woulda been so much better without him. And I have to ask why? The Star Wars series has a timeless storyline...great action. And there's plenty of campy comedy relief in R2D2 and C3PO, among others. This was just an example of the movie-makers going too far for a laugh. Yech!

And what about that blonde chick in Under Seige? (Her name is Erika Eleniak. I would've posted a pic of her here, but it's hard to find one with her clothes on.) Granted, Steven Seagal is one of the worst actors ever...but this movie would've actually been pretty decent if it just focused on his character and left hers out. There were some cool explosions...decent fight scenes...and the storyline was actually interesting. Of course, they had to throw in a gratuitous boob shot to justify Eleniak's presence in the film. But it still wasn't enough to make her character likeable.

Let's be honest: There's a reason Hollywood produces formulaic movies. They sell. But not every sidekick is going to contribute to a movie. At some point, a director or producer needs to be able to say, "Let's focus on the action and get rid of the distraction." Imagine Rambo having to stop every once in awhile in the jungle because some chick sidekick broke a nail. Some action flicks don't need the help of a sidekick.

Annoying Action Movie Sidekicks: You Suck.

#26: Door to Door Solicitors

Let's face it. At first it was cute. A little kid shows up at my door, trying to raise money for a class trip...and all I have to do is buy a couple of candy bars at a ridiculously over-inflated price. No problem. I love kids. I love chocolate. Everybody wins, right?

Wrong! Because now, it's just gotten out of hand. Almost every evening now, there's someone at my door, trying to sell me something. College students selling magazine subscriptions. Yard service crews asking if I want my lawn aerated. Neighborhood kids asking if I want them to mow my lawn. Students selling coupon books. Someone wanting to tell me about their religion.

Enough already! I'm about to put a "No Solicitors" sign on my door like my neighbor, Art. At first, I thought he was being a bit like an old curmudgeon, but now I'm starting to understand!

It seems like I just can't enjoy a nice evening at home, vegging in front of the television, or whatever without hearing the doorbell. I'll look through the peephole (which I bought from a door-to-door peephole salesman) and there she is, some college student with a hard luck story and something to sell.

And I wonder how many of these things are really scams. Are these students really trying to raise money for a mission trip to Mexico? Or are they just hoping to get my credit card information?

Let's be honest: Door to door sales can't be easy. You never know what's going to be on the other side of that door. Some people are rude. Others are just plain creepy. So why put yourself in that position? And how about you give us a break, so we can enjoy a quiet evening at home?

Door to Door Solicitors: You Suck.