Let's start with the obvious. David Hasselhoff. Seriously, that's just too easy. I think his middle name is Limburger. Ha! Wanna know what's funny? I was checking to make sure I spelled Limburger correctly and saw this definition:
A pungent semi-soft surface-ripened cheese.
C'mon! You can't make this stuff up! Think about how each one of those adjectives describe The 'Hoff so perfectly. Pungent: acting stinks. Semi-soft: He's a little muscular, but a little flabby too. Surface-ripened: Does that not refer to the year-round tan? Ha!
CSI: Miami's David Caruso. Dude...what's with the raspy whisper? Did they not teach you to enunciate and speak up in acting school? Oh, who am I kidding? Did this guy even go to acting school? And what's the obsession with taking off and putting on the sunglasses?
Here's a fun drinking game: watch an episode of CSI:Miami and you have to take a shot everytime Caruso touches his sunglasses. Seriously...you'll be wasted before it's over! The fact that he even posed for this picture proves the level of cheesiness that is David Caruso.
Alright, we need a girl to pick on just to make it fair. Hmmm...let's see. There's just so many! Carmen Electra...yep. Sharon Stone...for sure. Madonna...it's hard to use her name and the word actress in the same sentence. Tara Reid...oh definitely. Lindsay Lohan...yeah, she's up there.
But the Cheesiest Actress of the Year Award is actually a tie! Between one of the prettiest and one of the richest women to ever taint the silver screen:
First, the prettiest. Yeah, Jessica Simpson is beautiful. But is that reason enough to put her on the big screen? (Don't answer that...it was a rhetorical question!) Seriously, it's one thing to put her in a makeup commercial...it's a whole other to ask her to portray a character and deliver lines like she's not an 3rd grader reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Now the richest. Paris Hilton. Ugh. Proof positive that, if you've got money, you can buy your way into a movie or television series. Because let's face it, this poor girl doesn't have an ounce of talent in her body. And don't even bother asking me how long it took to find a photo of her online that was appropriate to post here. Geez! Personally, I don't even find her remotely attractive either. The word "skanky" does come to mind though.
Let's be honest: Acting isn't easy. But the good ones make it look easy. And there are enough good ones out there that we shouldn't have to shell out 8 bucks to see these lifeless, charisma-less dolts single-handedly destroy the profession.
Cheesy Actors (And Actresses): You Suck.